


By the Shores of Varykino Lake

by hipgrab (merrymegtargaryen)



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Cousin Incest, F/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Tread With Caution, seriously guys there is major cousin fucking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-10-11 22:42:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17455676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrymegtargaryen/pseuds/hipgrab
Summary: After the death of her father, Rey decides to spend a few months in the family lake house. Her cousin Ben unexpectedly joins her, hiding out from the people in town; though why, he won't say. With no one for miles around and a forbidden attraction between the two, how long before something snaps?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [persimonne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/persimonne/gifts).



> I want to preface this fic by saying that there's a lot of fucked-up-ness and I'm not, by any means, excusing or approving of it in real life. I wanted to write about an unhealthy dynamic for a friend's birthday; as such, I'm not really interested in critique of any kind, so please keep those thoughts to yourselves.
> 
> That being said, I hope those of you who know what you're getting into enjoy!
> 
> Happy Birthday, persimonne!

The tiny car clears the bend in the road, coming in sight of the house. Rey’s seen this view hundreds of times, and this is the first time it’s ever hurt her like this. 

This lake house has been in her family for generations. She’s spent every summer of her life here, along with the rest of her family. Her aunt, uncle, cousin, and…

Father.

Rey stifles a sob, her hands gripping the steering wheel so hard they turn white. 

Her father is dead.

It had been a car accident. Some kid overcorrected and sent Luke spinning into a tree. He’d lived long enough to get to the ICU, and then he’d died, hooked up to so many beeping, gasping machines. 

Rey can still hear them now, even over the crunch of gravel. She takes a deep, steadying breath and focuses on the house.  _ Let it die. Let the past die _ .

She’s dropped out of college, at least for the semester. The thought of going to classes had been too much to bear. The thought of doing  _ anything _ had been too much too bear. One thought and one thought only had occurred to her: Varykino.

The lake house had been an escape from the ordinary world when she was growing up--maybe it could be an escape for her again. 

She parks the car and takes another deep breath. She’s looking forward to staying in the lake house. She’ll have weeks on end to sleep and swim and read, to heal in her own way before trying to face the real world again. Although, she has to admit, the thought of staying in the house permanently is enticing. Just linger at the house forever, never reemerging to deal with the pain and horror of the real world.

She pushes herself out of the car, her legs grateful for the stretch. She reaches up for the sky, sighing as her back pops. Deciding that her luggage can wait, she walks around the car and heads up the steps to the house. Her key unlocks the front door, letting her into the hall beside the kitchen. 

Something immediately feels...off. Like something is wrong inside the house. And not just her father’s death. Something more immediate. It makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, her scalp prickling. 

“Hello?” she calls, berating herself even as she does for acting like a murder victim in a horror movie. “Is someone here?”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then she hears shifting. A moment later, a man comes around the corner, a knife in hand. His hair and beard are black and shaggy, his clothes dirty and torn, and his eyes…

She knows those eyes.

“Well,” he rasps, face breaking into a grin. “If it ain’t my little cousin Rey.”

Rey stares at her cousin. 

“Ben?”

He pockets the knife. “In the flesh.”

“What are you doing here?”

Ben shouldn’t be here. No one ever said he’d be staying here. What is he  _ doing _ here? And why does he have a  _ knife _ ? 

“Just blowing off some steam,” he says vaguely. “What are  _ you _ doing here?”

She feels suddenly angry. How  _ dare _ he ask her that? He, who couldn’t even be bothered to show up at her father’s, his  _ uncle _ ’s, funeral. “I came to be alone,” she says icily.

“Yeah, but aren’t you in school?”

“I was,” she says, the ice in her voice turning to shards. “Until my dad died.”

The effect is instantaneous. Ben’s entire face contorts, blanching as his eyes widen and mouth falls open. Rey realizes then that he didn’t know. 

“Luke?”

She nods, tears springing to her eyes. 

“How?”

“Car accident,” she manages, and then she’s reliving it, those terrible couple of days in the ICU, not sleeping, not eating, just praying that she can leach some of her existence into him, only to find that he died anyway and her vigil was for nothing. Tears roll down her cheeks and she chokes on a sob. 

Ben gathers her in his arms, pulling her to him in a crushing embrace. It feels oddly nice, to be held so tightly. Like he’s trying to leach some of her pain the way she’d tried to leach her life into her father. It feels like he wants to help her by hurting with her. 

How long they stand there, Rey doesn’t know, but when she finally calms down she remains in his embrace, toying with the material of his shirt. 

“Why didn’t you come?” she sniffles. “To the funeral. Your mom kept calling and calling you.”

“I threw my phone in the lake.”

She pulls back, blinking up at him. “Why did you do that?”

He shrugs, not meeting her eyes. “I didn’t want anyone to be able to reach me.”

“Yeah, well, you succeeded.” She pulls back, wiping her face. “Is it...okay if I stay here?”

“Of course it is.”

She breathes a small sigh of relief. “Can you help me with my bags?”

They load her things out of her car and into her room upstairs. The house is much as she remembers it, the same artwork hanging on the walls, the same off-white furniture in the living room. The house is built on a slope, so even though her room is in the basement, it offers a beautiful view of Lake Varykino. 

Ben hovers in the doorway when the last of her things have been unloaded, watching her unpack. 

“Need any help?” he asks.

Rey shakes her head. “I’ve got it.”

“Okay.” He still hovers, eyes intent on her. After a long moment, he moves away, padding into his room next door.

It had always been strange, growing up with a cousin ten years older than her. Rey had never known what to make of him. He was too old to play with her, too sullen as a teenager to indulge her, and then he’d gone to college and she’d barely heard from him anymore. He spent his summers in his room, playing video games that were too mature for her. Sometimes he’d skip off for weeks at a time, getting up to who knew what with his friends. When he did hang out with the family, he smoked and swore and told his parents to shut up. As a nine-year-old, Rey had nursed a tiny crush on her older, rebellious cousin Ben. He was so  _ cool _ . 

Until, of course, he’d dropped out of college. He hadn’t told his parents at first--at first, he’d lived at the lake house. That hadn’t lasted long; after a few weeks, Aunt Leia smelled something fishy and did some investigating. 

The summer following Ben’s drop-out had been the tensest of Rey’s life. Everyone was constantly trying to avoid talking about it while simultaneously unable to help talking about it. 

She remembers finding him in his room, smoking something that smelled different from his usual cigarettes.

“Why did you drop out?” she asked him point-blank.

He shrugged. “It was either that or get kicked out.”

“Why?”

Another shrug. “I didn’t see the point of school anymore.” 

Unsure of what to say to that, she’d pointed at his blunt and said, “You shouldn’t smoke in the house.”

He waggled his eyebrows. “You gonna snitch on me? You know what happens to snitches?”

She shook her head.

“They get stitches.”

“I won’t tell,” she’d said quickly. “But...don’t let your parents see.” 

It was only a few summers later that Ben, between jobs (as usual), had introduced her to weed, and Rey, coughing violently, had felt  _ cool _ . She’d gone back to school bragging to her small circle of friends that her cousin had gotten her weed, that she knew what it was like to get high. She’d been revered for a short time, and then they all tried it after the homecoming game and the novelty wore off. 

That had only been a couple years ago. It’s hard to believe now how naive she’d been then, how Ben had laughingly had to walk her through her first high. He’d been a good sport about it, bringing snacks down to the basement and taking her down to the lake, where she’d let her hand float in the water for what felt like hours. She’d babbled a lot, and he’d let her, and even though it was wrong, she’d felt that nine-year-old crush on him again. 

Rey feels a twinge of it now. Some part of her thinks it will always be there, will always affect her when he’s around. Even if he is her cousin, even if it’s wrong, even if it’s just the remnant of her childhood, she thinks some part of her is always going to be nine and always have a crush on him. She feels disgusted with herself and relishes in that disgusted sensation. It’s a nice change from the sadness. 

.

Rey soon realizes that there’s no food in the house.

“What have you been eating?” she demands of Ben.

He shrugs. “Sometimes I go to the convenience store and get something.”

Rey, who has inherited her father’s wealth and won’t have to worry about money for quite a while, orders pizza and determines to go to town and stock up on food tomorrow. For now, she just wants to sit on the couch and put herself in a food coma. 

She puts the pizza box on the glass coffee table; to her secret pleasure, Ben sits beside her. They flip through Netflix and finally decide on a dark comedy. Rey finds herself smiling at parts of it, but never really laughing.  

They flip around shows for a while, unable to settle on anything, before Rey decides to go to bed. 

She sits in her room for a long time, just staring out at the moonlit lake. It’s dark and peaceful out there, the water lapping against the shore. Tomorrow, she’ll go down to the beach with one of the many books she’s brought with her. It’s not warm enough to swim, probably, but she can lie on a towel and sunbathe. 

Maybe she’ll even be able to convince Ben to join her.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

She sleeps late into the morning, rolling over to ignore the sun filtering through the blinds. When her growling stomach wakes her up, she pads upstairs to see what, if anything, Ben has left for breakfast.

To her surprise, there’s a full gallon of milk and an unopened box of Frosted Flakes. Deciding that she can buy more at the store later if Ben gets upset, she pours herself a healthy bowl and then settles out on the porch, watching the lake sparkle in the sun. It looks inviting, even if she knows it’s still too chilly. But maybe she’ll swim anyway. 

Ben comes outside with his own bowl of Frosted Flakes, yawning. 

“I hope I didn’t take your breakfast,” she says, nearly finished with her own bowl.

Ben snorts. “I got it for you.”

Rey blinks. “What?”

“I went to the convenience store last night,” he says, hunched over his bowl. “I know how hangry you get in the mornings.”

This simple fact touches her more than she can express. “Thank you, Ben.”

He shrugs. “You got pizza last night.”

“Still. It was nice of you.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

They sit in silence for a moment, each chewing their cereal and watching the lake. 

“Do my parents know you’re here?” he asks after a long time.

Rey glances at him. “Yes. Your mom said it would be a good idea.”

“Are they planning to visit?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t think so. I said I wanted time to myself.”

Ben relaxes. “Oh. Good.” 

“Why do you hate them so much?”

Ben looks at her strangely. “I don’t hate them.”

“But you’re avoiding them.”

He lowers his eyes. “I’m a disappointment to them.” 

“They love and care about you. Your mom was really worried when she couldn’t get hold of you.”

Ben shakes his head. “You can tell her you’ve heard from me if you want, but I don’t want to see her. Or Dad. Don’t tell them I’m here.”

She considers him and then nods. “Okay. I won’t.”

He relaxes again, sinking back into his chair. 

“I’m gonna go to the grocery store today,” she says, setting aside her bowl. “Wanna come?”

He doesn’t meet her eye. “Nah, I think I’ll stay here.”

Her heart sinks a little. “You sure? I could use help with the groceries.”

He shakes his head. “Nah.”

Rey shrugs. “Okay.” She gets up and goes down to her room, changing into jeans and combing out her hair. Ben is still sitting on the porch when she comes up to grab her car keys, but when he sees her, he follows her out to her car. 

“Hey, if anyone asks about me...don’t let them know I’m here.” 

Rey blinks. “O...kay. Why not?” 

He shakes his head. “Just. Don’t tell them. Please.”

It’s a weird request, but Rey nods. “Sure.” She gets in the car. “Want anything from the store?”

He shrugs.

“I’ll see you in a bit, then.” She starts off down the drive, a little miffed Ben won’t come with her. He’s acting...weird. She understands wanting to get away from everyone and everything--god, does she understand--but he’s taking it to an extreme. Avoiding everyone in town, his parents, throwing his phone in the lake…

_ Why _ ? What happened to make him this withdrawn from the rest of the world?

At the grocery store, she loads up on food, choosing mostly things she likes but also a few things she knows Ben likes. It’s an exorbitant amount of food, more than she’d ever buy for herself normally, but she’d seen the cabinets and the fridge at the lake house--there was nothing there, and Rey isn’t about to let Ben keep walking down to the convenience store for Frosted Flakes.

When she gets back to the house, Ben comes out to help her unload the groceries. She notices that he’s showered and shaved, and his clothes are cleaner and in better condition than they were yesterday. 

“You got a lot of stuff,” he notes.

“Have to feed the both of us, don’t I?”

Ben adopts a look of nonchalance. “Anyone ask about me?”

“No. Ben, what’s going on? Why are you acting so weird?”

“I’m not acting weird.”

“Yes you are!”

He shakes his head. “It’s nothing, okay?”

She knows that arguing will get her nowhere, so she bites her tongue. Whatever Ben says, he  _ is _ acting weird, but pushing him will only piss him off. Better to wait and fish for information when his guard is down. 

When the last of the groceries have been put away, Rey makes herself a couple sandwiches, fills her Nalgene, and heads down to the dock with a book and her towel. The sun is warm and the breeze is cool, and it makes the perfect reading conditions. She munches on her sandwiches as she loses herself in a new world, a world where she doesn’t have to think or do anything but turn the page.

After a while, the sun gets too warm, so she pulls off her t-shirt and lies on her stomach. She’s wearing a bikini top, figuring that she can get a headstart on her summer tan--it’s not like she has much else to do. The sun feels good against her bare skin. She’s always liked the sun and the energy it creates. When she was little, her father used to call her his Rey of Sunshine. 

“Is that why you named me Rey?” she asked once.

Her father had laughed for a long minute before saying, “No, it was just a happy accident.”

Thinking of her father makes her throat tight, and she sets down her book to take a sip from her Nalgene. She’s not going to cry. She’s not. She’s done with that. Her father wouldn’t want her to cry. He’d want her to be happy and at peace. 

She pushes herself up, sitting cross-legged and breathing deeply. Her father taught her to meditate from a young age, and it had helped those tempestuous feelings she used to experience. She reaches for that safe, blank place again, releasing the tension in her body. She looks out at the lake, watching the gentle movement of the water, the way it catches the sunlight and refracts it into a million little shards. Serenity flows through her. It’s all right. Everything is all right.

She turns around to grab her book and feels eyes on her. Looking up, she sees Ben on the porch, watching her. For some reason, it embarrasses her. She reaches for her t-shirt and tugs it back on, feeling exposed in her bikini top. 

When she looks up again, Ben is gone, but the feeling of being watched doesn’t go away. She keeps on her t-shirt and tries not to look up at the house again.

.

The days pass languidly. Rey spends most of her days dozing in bed or on the dock, sometimes reading, sometimes meditating. She doesn’t know what Ben gets up to, but he spends a lot of time in his room. That isn’t unusual, but it does feel unusual when they’re the only two people in the house and their rooms are right next to each other. She can hear him moving around in there sometimes, can hear noise from him watching TV or playing video games. It’s oddly comforting because it feels so normal. At times, she can pretend she’s a kid again, lying in her bed while Ben plays video games. Upstairs, their parents will be stirring--making breakfast in the kitchen and making vague plans to go out on the boat. 

Sometimes the normal feeling makes her cry because everything  _ isn’t _ normal. Her father is never coming back to this lake house, will never again make her breakfast or take her out on the boat. It’s just her now. 

She’s crying one morning, muffling her sobs in her pillow, when there’s a knock at her door. She freezes, wondering if Ben heard her.

“Rey? Can I come in?”

She hesitates. If he comes in, he’ll see her crying. But if he doesn’t come in, she’ll be alone. She tries to decide which is worse.

“Yes,” she croaks. She half-hides in her pillows, hoping that maybe it won’t be obvious that she’s been crying as Ben steps in. His face looks pained, an expression that only grows when he sees her.

“Rey,” he says softly, sitting on the edge of her bed. She tries not to cry anymore, but her entire body shudders with a poorly-suppressed hiccup and Ben makes a gentle shushing sound, lying down on the bed and stroking her back. She gives in, burying her face in the pillows and sobbing as Ben rubs her back and murmurs soothingly. 

“I just miss him so much it  _ hurts _ ,”  she tells him around the knot in her throat. “I keep thinking about him in this house and how he’ll never be here again.”

“Not to sound cheesy,” Ben says, “but he’ll always be with you--you know that?”

She coughs out a laugh. “That’s really cheesy.”

“Yeah.”

And now they’re both laughing, Rey smiling even as she wipes her nose. 

Ben’s smile fades. “I miss him too.”

Rey nods. “He loved you. Even when you were being a little asshole.”

“I loved him even when he was being a giant asshole.”

“I just always pictured him being there, you know?” she says softly. “At my graduation. At my wedding. Being a grumpy old grandpa with my kids.”

“He would’ve been the grumpiest grandpa,” Ben agrees, bringing a small smile to her face. “But the kind that secretly adores his grandkids.”

“Oh, totally.” She wipes her nose again. “My kids won’t have grandparents. Not from me, anyway.”

“We never had grandparents, either,” Ben points out. “And we...okay,  _ you _ turned out fine. I’m a fuck-up. So I guess there’s a fifty percent chance they’ll turn out fine.”

“And a fifty percent chance they’ll turn into a fuck-up like their Uncle Ben?” she deadpans.

“I won’t be their uncle,” he corrects. “That’s only if I were your brother, which...I’m not.”

“No,” Rey agrees. “You’re not my brother.”

There’s an odd look in Ben’s eyes, something she can’t quite place. And then it’s gone and in its place is a sort of tenderness.

“It’ll be okay,” he says softly. “You’ll always miss him, but it’ll get easier.”

“How do you know?” she whispers.

He shrugs. “I just do.” He leans forward, brushing his lips over her temple. “Trust me.”

She wants to. Trust him. She wants, so badly, for someone, anyone, to take control of her life right now, to make her feel like she’s reading a book where everything happens and all she has to do is turn the page to keep it going. 

“Let’s go out on the boat,” he says abruptly.

Rey lifts her head. “The boat?”

“Yeah. We’d have to take it out of the shed, but we’ve done that before.” He’s smiling. “What do you say? Pack some lunch, put on sunscreen, we can go around the lake like we used to.”

It actually sounds fun. Ben likes to drive, because of course he does, and Rey could just sit and let the wind and spray wash over her. 

She nods. “Let’s do it.”

“Good. I’ll get the boat ready--can you pack lunch?”

She nods again. “Yes.” 

“Okay.” He pushes himself off the bed and pads to his room. Rey pushes back her blankets. She’s still wearing pajamas, so she closes the door and changes, pulling on a bathing suit, shorts, and a t-shirt. She doubts it’ll be warm enough to swim, but just in case, she’ll be prepared. 

When she’s tied back her hair and brushed her teeth, she goes upstairs to the kitchen to make sandwiches. She packs several of them in a large, insulated bag, along with a bag of goldfish, some apples, and several bottles of water. Then she packs a beach bag with towels and suntan lotion. Slipping on her tennis shoes, she shoulders both bags, locks the door, and makes the descent to the dock.

Ben, in a tank top and swim trunks, is on the boat, which is tied to the dock and bobbing merrily in the water as he gets it ready. Rey clambers onboard, stowing the bags in the cramped seating below the stern before popping back up to help Ben. It isn’t long before Ben, sitting behind the wheel, guides them out of the little cove and towards the main body of the lake.

Rey sits in the back, holding onto the handrail as they pick up speed. Wind catches her hair, and as they move faster, the boat begins thumping along the water, kicking up a spray that hits her in the face. She relishes the feeling, moving closer to the side to catch more of it. When they’re out in the open water, Ben kicks up the speed, sending them bouncing so hard Rey screams in delight. He throws a grin at her, slowing down to a normal speed only to pick up the pace again later. It feels like she’s a little kid again and Ben is only allowed to take out the boat because he’s entertaining his little cousin while the adults drink margaritas on the porch, watching from afar to make sure Ben doesn’t kill them both. He always used to speed up like this to make Rey laugh, and it had always worked. It works now, too, drawing out a long string of laughter that leaves her breathless.

After a while, Ben kills the motor and they munch on the sandwiches Rey packed, enjoying the wind and the rocking of the boat. 

“You’ve grown up so much,” Ben says suddenly, his eyes intent on her. 

Rey turns to regard him. “Is that a good thing?”

“Isn’t it good to grow up?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know.  I used to think so. But now I think things were easier when I was a kid.”

“You’re still a kid,” he says with a smile.

“You just said I’ve grown up!”

“You can grow up and still be a kid.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

He hides his smile. “Okay.”

Rey stretches out on the bench, plunking her feet in his lap. “You haven’t changed a bit, you know.”

He doesn’t bother to hide this smile. “Oh, really?” 

“Huh-uh.” She swallows a bite of sandwich. “You’re still the same Ben.”

“So I haven’t grown up, is what you mean?”

She shakes her head. “You grew up while I was still a kid, but you haven’t...become a grown-up, if you know what I mean.”

“No, I don’t know what you mean.”

She searches for the words. “It’s like...grown-ups get boring jobs and go to bed early and only care about boring shit. And you aren’t like that.”

“I’m not boring?” he asks with a grin.

“Definitely not.”

“I never really got the hang of doing what I’m supposed to do,” he says, his grin fading a little.

“That’s okay--I love you anyway.”

Ben gets a funny look on his face. “I love you too, little cous.”

Rey leans back against the seat, closing her eyes. It’s the happiest she’s felt since her father died.

  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly floored by the response to this--I was really expecting to get rude reviews and people telling me I'm a sicko, but the response has been AMAZING. Thank you guys for reading and indulging this VERY self-indulgent fic.

Ben and Rey go out on the boat almost every day. She enjoys the trips, in part because it means she and Ben get to catch up. She tells him about college, about the friends she made there and the things she’d learned in her classes. Ben listens attentively, asking questions and seeming genuinely interested in her life.

He’s reluctant to talk about himself. He’s worked a few jobs since Rey last saw him, none of them very memorable, and though he won’t say it, she has a feeling that he’s made most of his money through less than reputable means and he’s too embarrassed to talk about it. She wishes she could tell him that she doesn’t think less of him for it, that he’ll always be her favorite (and only) cousin, but since he hasn’t brought it up, she won’t do him the dishonor of mentioning something that might not even be true. She doesn’t want to do anything to shatter the peace, not when everything is going so well. These trips out on the lake have soothed her soul, putting a stop to the daily tears she was shedding. She isn’t going to do anything to jeopardize that.

.

As it turns out, Rey isn’t the one who ends the peaceful trips out on the lake--the weather is.

It rains for several days in a row, which not only keeps them off the lake but also keeps them cooped up inside. The house starts to close in on them, seeming to grow smaller and smaller as they spend more and more time inside it. 

They don’t fight, exactly, but they don’t always get along. Ben never cleans up after himself, Rey spends too much time in the bathroom, Ben refuses to go to town and pick up groceries, Rey starts crying again. They shut themselves away in their rooms, Rey jamming in earbuds when his video games get too loud. 

It gets so bad that she considers moving into her father’s room, which is upstairs. 

This turns out to be a mistake. 

Luke’s old room is tucked away, down the hall from the stairs and the bathroom; she doesn’t even see it when she walks up and down the stairs, and until now, she’s had no reason to peer inside.

But now…

The room is utterly and completely her father’s. Pictures of her and her long-dead mother hang on the walls, beside pieces he bought from local artists. Books on yoga and meditation line the shelves, bookended by knick-knacks from the local shops. On the bedside table is a rock that Rey found and gave to him once when she was little; he’d kept it ever since, right next to his bed. 

Rey finds herself sitting beside his bed, sobbing into her arms. It feels so  _ wrong _ for him not to be here when all of his things are. What will this room become? A guest room? A place for others to sleep? What will happen to all of his things?

She feels the sudden urge to take the rock and hurl it at the wall. She gets as far as gripping the rock, smoothed with years of being handled, before she breaks down again. A moment later, she feels arms envelop her and a soft voice say, “It’s okay, shh, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

For a wild moment, she thinks it’s her father, summoned by her tears. But then she realizes that it’s only Ben, and this makes her cry harder. He pulls her into his lap, rocking her as if she were a child. In many ways, she feels like one, crying for her father to come back. Despite the initial shock, Rey soon takes comfort in Ben’s arms, in the solid feel of him around her. He rocks her until her sobs have faded into little hiccups, the tears slowing until they stop completely.

“Why did you come in here?”

She shakes her head. “It’s stupid.”

“I bet it isn’t.”

She takes a deep breath, summoning the strength to form full sentences. “Your video games are loud and you won’t turn down the volume. I thought I’d try to sleep in here.”

Ben is quiet for a moment, and then he says, “I’ll turn the volume down.”

She sniffles. “You will?”

“I was being an asshole. You deserve to be able to sleep in your room. You don’t...you shouldn’t have to come in here.”

She sniffles again, toying with the fabric of his t-shirt. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry I was an asshole,” he says sincerely.

“Thank you.”

Ben surprises her by standing up, still holding her in his arms; he carries her, bridal-style, to the living room, where he deposits her on the couch. “Let’s watch something.”

Warmed by their renewed camaraderie, the two cousins sit on the couch together, looking for something to watch. They settle on an artsy period drama, one that neither of them has seen before; Rey likes it, but Ben, who is a little less interested, gets up to make dinner for them. 

They’re munching on a bowl of chicken and rice when the sex scene happens. There’s lots of nudity and lots of extended shots of bare bodies moving in tandem as the score swells, and Rey finds herself blushing furiously as she and her cousin sit less than a foot apart, watching people have sex. It feels...weird. It shouldn’t--they’ve watched movies with sex scenes before. But it suddenly strikes Rey that they are all alone in this house. 

She shifts uncomfortably, praying the scene will be over with quickly and also kicking herself for leaving her phone in her room. She doesn’t use it often these days, trying as she is to avoid people, but now she wishes she could text a friend or scroll through instagram so she wouldn’t have to watch this scene with her cousin.

Neither of them says a word for the duration of the scene, nor for the ten minutes following; but eventually Ben grows bored and starts commenting on the movie. Rey is relieved, answering his questions and good-naturedly telling him to shush when important dialogue is happening. The movie ends before long, and Ben insists that it’s his turn to pick. He chooses one of the  _ Fast and Furious _ movies, which Rey enjoys more than she thought she would. 

When Rey announces she’s going to bed, Ben turns to look at her.

“I’ll keep the volume down.”

“Thank you,” she says again. Impulsively, she kisses the top of his head. “Good night.”

“Good night.” 

She heads down the stairs, feeling oddly cared for. 

She has a good cousin.

.

The rain finally lets up, leaving a slight chill in the air. Rey and Ben wear sweatshirts when they go out on the boat, the wind and spray cool enough to bring goosebumps to their skin. 

It feels so good to be back out on the water. They take lunch out there almost every day, and lately they’ve even been napping on the boat in the afternoon. On the days they don’t go out, Rey takes a book and towel down to the dock, where she reads in the sun. Ben usually hangs out on the porch, smoking a cigarette and watching the lake. Sometimes, though, it feels as if he’s watching  _ her _ . It always makes her self-conscious, aware of every movement she makes. 

More and more, she becomes aware that she and Ben are the only two people in this lake house, and possibly two of the only people on this side of the lake; it isn’t summer yet, so there are no vacationers, no families filling the lake houses by the shore. No boats come to their little cove--but then, they never did. It’s a small cove, with only one other house, and those people only ever come up for a weekend here and there. It’s just Rey and Ben and no one else. 

The thought both disturbs Rey and calms her. 

.

They run out of milk one night. It isn’t a big deal, but they eat cereal in the mornings, and if there’s no milk, there’s no cereal, which means no breakfast. 

“Just go to the store,” Ben tells her. 

“Why do I always have to go to the store?” she asks in what she means to be a logical voice, but it just comes out sounding whiny and childish. “You never go.”

“I  _ can’t _ go.”

“Why not?”

“It’s none of your business,” he snaps.

She blinks. “It is my business if you make me go to the store every time, so you can, what, stay here and jerk off?”

A horrible grin stretches across his face. “You been thinking about me jerking off, pervert?”

Rey turns pink. “No.”

For a moment, she’s afraid he’ll push the matter. But something shifts, and then he leans back, shoving his hands in his pockets as his eyes move to the floor. “Okay. I’ll go to the convenience store.”

“Thank you,” she says, but he’s already moving for the door.

While he’s gone, Rey watches a movie and texts her friends, Finn and Rose. They’re happy to hear from her, but they’re studying, so their responses are sporadic. Rey thinks with a twinge of sadness about college, all those nights studying in her and Rose’s dorm room, eating gummy worms and shifting frantically through piles of papers and notebooks for the right notes. She misses college, but she knows she won’t be able to handle it anytime soon. She doesn’t even want to think about when she’d re-enroll, if she ever does. She just wants to stop thinking for a time. 

They ask her about the lake house and how she’s enjoying her alone time. Rey debates whether or not to tell them about Ben. 

_ I’m really enjoying the alone time. There’s plenty of it _ . 

.

When Ben comes back, something is off. He bangs through the door, slams the milk on the counter, and then thunders down the stairs. Rey, sitting on the couch, sits for a moment in petrified silence. What  _ happened _ ? 

Slowly, she gets up, putting the milk in the fridge. Then, she picks her way down the stairs.

Something happened while Ben was out there--she just wants to know what so she can help him. 

She can hear him in his room, watching something. She knocks on the door. “Ben?”

“Come in.”

She does, and stops short when she realizes that what he’s watching is  _ porn _ . Ben is watching her with glee, stroking himself through his jeans.

“I...I can come back,” she squeaks. 

He shakes his head, and she sees that something is definitely off. Is he... _ high _ ? And on  _ what _ ? 

“Sit down, baby cous. You always wanted to hang out with me when I was a teenager and I never let you, ‘cause I was busy watching porn.”

Her cheeks flame. “Ben...what’s…?”

“Sit down,” he commands.

She obediently sits on the bed, perched on the edge and trying very, very hard not to look at. Well. What’s happening on the screen. Except, it’s porn, and the sounds are distracting, and Rey can’t help but watch. It’s either that or look at her cousin, who’s still stroking himself through his jeans.

“Can you stop?” she whispers, red-faced and miserable.

“Why? Does it make you uncomfortable?”

“Yes.”

He doesn’t stop. “You were thinking about it earlier, though.”

“Ben, please.” 

“ _ What _ ?” he bursts suddenly, scowling at her. “I was doing my own thing and then you wanted to come in.”

“Ben, you don’t seem okay,” she says in a high-pitched voice. 

He leans back suddenly, closing his eyes. “I haven’t been okay in a long time.”

Rey swallows. “What can I do?”

He opens his eyes again. “You can get out.”

“Ben--”

“I said,  _ get out _ .”

She stumbles out of the room, closing the door behind her. She slips into her own room, where she can still hear the porn. She pulls out her earbuds and puts on music. After a moment, she gets up and locks the door.

She won’t be taking any chances tonight.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

When Rey wakes up in the morning, Ben’s room is quiet. She lies there for a long time, going over the events of the night before. 

It was...weird, to say the least. Ben had been acting weird. He was  _ definitely _ high, she’s sure of that now. Why else would he invite his cousin in to watch him beat it to porn?

She buries her face in her pillows, flushing. She can’t stop thinking about the way he’d stroked himself, the way his pupils were blown wide as he’d looked at her. She wonders what would have happened if she’d reached over to stroke him--

_ He’s your cousin _ , she chastises herself.  _ You can’t think about him that way _ .

But as a familiar weight settles low in her belly and her center grows warm and slick, she thinks that maybe, just this once, she can make an exception.

Slowly, she slides a hand under her pajama bottoms, tracing the outline of her labia through her underwear. She bites her lip, already feeling dampness there. She strokes her center with the tips of her fingers, drawing a sharp gasp when she brushes her clit. 

She’s never really been the type of person who touches herself. She’d done it a few times at home, but it was impossible to do it at college, with Rose lying three feet away. Rey’s never had sex, either, despite the fact that her father had bought her a box of condoms and got her set up on birth control before sending her off to college. He’d wanted her to be prepared, but it had just never happened. The semester and a half she spent in school hadn’t been wild and crazy--she had a small circle of friends and their idea of getting crazy was going to the late showing at the campus movie theater.

So this--touching herself--feels...wild. This is not something she normally does, and to do it right next to Ben’s room…

They share a wall, and not just that, but their headboards are against the same wall. He could hear her, so she has to be quiet.

Rey takes a deep breath and slides her hand beneath the waistband of her underwear. Her fingers creep down past the thatch of coarse hair and then touch her slick folds. She stifles a moan, fingers spreading her lips. One finger slides down to her slit; she slides it in and out, using the slick gathered there to circle her clit. She jams her other hand into her mouth to stifle her whimper, stunned at how good her fingers feel down there. She thinks of Ben stroking himself and imagines that it’s his fingers down there, touching and teasing her. 

This thought sends her face into the pillows, panting as she imagines those thick fingers on her and in her. She slides a finger inside herself again, pumping it slowly as she continues stimulating her clit. It’s good, but it’s not quite enough. 

She pretends it really is Ben, stealing into her room, refusing to take no for an answer. She pretends his parents are upstairs making breakfast, so they have to be quiet or else get in deep, deep trouble.

“Your pussy’s so tight,” she imagines him saying. She pretends the swipe of her thumb is his tongue, tasting her. Her other hand squeezes her breast as she pants, rocking onto the hand at her center. 

“I want to come,” she gasps, surprising herself. “Please…”

In her imagination, Ben hovers over her, kissing the nape of her neck. “Come for me, little cous.”

Rey’s orgasm takes her by surprise. She bites her pillow, moaning loud enough that she’s almost positive Ben will be able to hear her. She doesn’t care, a little too turned on by the thought that he could hear her touching herself, and the walls of her cunt flutter obscenely around her finger. 

When her orgasm has passed, she realizes she’s panting. She rolls over in bed, breathing hard. 

Shame wells inside her. She’d just gotten off while thinking about her  _ cousin _ . It’s wrong, wronger than wrong, and yet…

And yet, it had felt so  _ good _ . 

Does Ben ever think about her like this? Does he imagine her writhing underneath him as he touches himself? Last night, when he’d been stroking himself and watching porn, when he’d made her sit on his bed...had he imagined her as that woman in the porno, moaning ecstatically while the man took her? 

It’s nearly enough to make her touch herself again. 

Instead, she gets up and pads to the bathroom, where she takes a long shower, scrubbing her skin raw. By the time she slips back into her room to change, she can hear Ben moving around in his own room. She dresses quickly, slipping upstairs to have breakfast out on the porch.

To her surprise and terror, Ben joins her not long after. He’s different from last night, back to his old self. 

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, eyes on the white planks that make up the porch. “I was...really inappropriate last night.”

“Were you high?” she asks, pushing her spoon around in her cereal.

He nods miserably. “I was...pissed off, and I thought...I don’t know. I hadn’t gotten high in so long. There were these guys at the store…” He shakes his head. “It was stupid. I got more fucked up than I was expecting.”

Rey, for some reason, is disappointed to hear this. It’s as if some part of her  _ wanted _ him to not be high, to touch himself while she was sitting less than a foot away because he was attracted to her. Maybe she just wants justification for her touching herself this morning while thinking of Ben. As if his being attracted to her makes her attraction to him okay. 

_ Is _ she attracted to him, though? He is, after all, her cousin.

But deep down, she knows that she really is attracted to him. She’s nursed a crush on him ever since she was a little kid, before she knew any better; now, she knows better, but the crush won’t go away. Crushes can be like that, but she’s never had one that’s so...persistent. 

“It’s okay,” she finds herself saying. “I know you didn’t mean any of it.”

Ben’s smile is sad. “You’re better to me than I deserve, little cous.”

The endearment makes her chest constrict. “I love you, Ben.”

He gazes at her, sending a flush from her head to her toes. “I love you, Rey.”

.

They spend the next few days in painful solicitude, each trying desperately to stay out of each other’s way. It isn’t that they’re  _ avoiding _ each other so much as trying not to be noticed. They still watch TV in the living room, still go out on the boat, but it isn’t the same. 

Rey decides to do something about it.

They’re in their cove, unloading the boat before they put it in the shed, when Rey sticks her hands in her back pockets and approaches her cousin.

“Hey...Ben?”

He straightens up, looking at her expectantly.

She takes a deep breath. “What if you, um, went to the convenience store and got us some beer or something?”

Ben looks almost uncomprehending. “You...wanna drink?”

She nods. “I mean, it could be fun, right?”

His throat works nervously. “I don’t...think that’s such a good idea.”

“Why not?” She doesn’t remember getting this close to him, but here she is, mere inches away.

He shakes his head. “I think you know why not.”

Rey swallows, reaching out to trace the muscles she can see through his t-shirt. “Is it because--”

His hand grabs her wrist. “Don’t,” he pleads. “Just...don’t.”

It feels ten degrees hotter. They’re so close to the space under the prow, all cushions and towels where they could tangle their bodies--

Ben suddenly crushes her to him in an embrace so tight it’s almost painful. 

“Ben?”

He releases her so suddenly she nearly topples.

“Help me with the boat.”

Without a word, they stow the boat in the boathouse and head back up to the house. Rey takes a shower, not bothering to bring clothes with her because her room is across the hall. She slips out of the bathroom in her towel and freezes when she sees Ben at the door of his room, staring at her.

For a wild moment, she’s tempted to drop the towel. She could do it. Could even make it look like an accident. Or...she could make it look deliberate. Let him know that she really does want this.

Ben is looking at her, too, as if he wouldn’t mind if she dropped the towel, accidentally or deliberately. Would he take her right here and now? He’s still standing in his bedroom--would he fuck her on his bed, right where they’d sat when he touched himself beside her? The thought makes her unexpectedly wet. 

But then the moment passes and Rey knows she can’t do this. He’s her cousin. However they look at each other...it isn’t right. 

She grips the towel and ducks into her room, closing the door behind her. After a moment, she hears the bathroom door close, and then the water start as he takes his turn in the shower. 

Rey takes advantage of the moment to touch herself, working as quickly as she can to get herself off. She thinks of Ben, naked in the shower across the hall. She thinks, too, of what would have happened if she’d dropped the towel and he’d pulled her into his room.

She comes hard. She doesn’t bother restraining her cry since Ben is in the shower and probably can’t hear anything; instead, she lets herself moan and whimper aloud as she comes down. When she finishes, she uses the towel to clean herself up.

She feels like she needs another shower.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, enjoy some incest!

Rey has come to accept the fact that she’s attracted to her cousin. She would never tell anyone in a million years, except for maybe Ben, who she is at least somewhat sure finds her attractive. 

It happens, doesn’t it? Cousins are in that weird place of being family but not  _ family _ -family. Cousins used to get married all the time. Some of them still do. She knows first cousin marriages are still legal in many places. But they’re not even talking about marriage, just...fucking. She knows of people who fucked their cousins. And, sure, they were usually hot messes of people to begin with, but it  _ happens _ . Cousins are people who aren’t your siblings who you’re obligated to grow up with--it’s only natural that some experimentation should happen. 

And Rey has never experimented. She’s kissed a couple people, but the closest she’s gotten to having sex was cupping her prom date through his pants and then chickening out. 

God, what she wouldn’t give to cup Ben through his pants. 

It’s wrong, she  _ knows _ it’s wrong, but she can’t help it. Everyone has their dirty little secrets. She knows, thanks to a few too many margaritas, that her father and Aunt Leia kissed once, and they were siblings. Is having sex with her cousin really so bad?

But of course, this is assuming that Ben even  _ wants _ to have sex with her, which...he might not. She could be imagining his reciprocated attraction. And how stupid would she look if she tried to initiate anything only to be rebuffed? Then she’d look like a gross cousin-fucker. Then Ben might want her to leave, or he would leave, and she’d be alone again. 

The thought of being alone terrifies her. Even though that’s the entire reason she came to the lake house, she knows now that being left alone would be a horrible, terrible idea. She can’t be alone. She can’t be without Ben. She needs him, even if it isn’t the way she wants him. 

It makes the times that they  _ are _ around each other stiff and awkward. She’s afraid of slipping up, of saying or doing something inappropriate. So she avoids him, and when they’re together, she says as little as possible, tucking her body into itself so she won’t accidentally touch him. 

Ben becomes surly and just as quiet as Rey. Entire days go by where they only exchange a handful of words, neither making any move to strike up a conversation. It both hurts Rey’s feelings and relieves her. 

Spring gets warmer, and when Rey goes down to the dock to read, she starts taking off her shirt so that her back and arms can get sun. Sometimes it gets hot enough that she slips into the water, still cold but bearable. 

Ben doesn’t watch from the porch anymore, but nevertheless, Rey has the distinct sensation that she  _ is _ being watched. It emboldens her to untie the strings of her bikini, baring her back as she tans. After all, she can always claim she didn’t know she was being watched—though she’s almost certain that Ben is watching anyway. 

One night, Ben disappears. Rey lingers in the living room long after she normally goes to bed, worried about him. He’s been acting strange lately, and he doesn’t have a phone, so she has no way of getting in touch with him. 

She’s dozed off on the couch when he finally comes home, banging through the door. He reeks of whiskey, and his face and hands are bloody. 

“Ben!” she shouts, throwing off her blanket and running to him. “Are you okay?”

“You should see the other guy,” he slurs. 

“Ben, what happened?” she asks, following him to the bathroom. She pulls out the First Aid kit while he sits on the counter, swaying ever so slightly. 

“Got in a fight,” he mumbles. 

Rey wets a rag and dabs at the blood on his face. It’s not his blood, she realizes, and she doesn’t know if that sickens or relieves her. Maybe a little of both. 

“With who?”

“Just a guy.” He watches her clean his hands. That isn’t his blood either, she realizes. 

“Ben...what did you do?”

“I told you, I got in a fight.”

“Did you kill the other guy?”

Ben closes his eyes, tipping his head back against the mirror. “No. Not him.”

Rey frowns at the weird word choice. He’s  _ really _ out of it. “Why’d you get in a fight?”

“Felt like it.”

“Why?”

“You know what they say.” He makes a half-hearted gesture with the hand she isn’t washing in the sink. “Fight or fuck.”

She swallows. “I didn’t know they said that.”

He fixes his gaze on her again. He doesn’t say anything, just watches her, and Rey starts to feel self-conscious under his gaze. She keeps her focus on his hands, washing them clean of blood. She can see now that his knuckles are a little scraped up, and without thinking, she brings his hand to her mouth to kiss the wounds. 

She looks up to see Ben watching her hungrily. He reaches out an unsteady hand, his thumb tracing her lips. When he draws it away, she sees a smear of blood.

“You got blood on your lips,” he says softly.

She feels numb, everywhere except for her lips, which are tingling from his touch. She swallows, realizing how close they are. How his hand is in hers. How she’d kissed the blood from his wounds and he’d wiped it from her lips. 

She could kiss him right now. He probably wouldn’t object. He’d probably kiss back.

But it wouldn’t be right. He’s drunk. He might hate her in the morning, hate her for bringing out the part of him he keeps so tightly wound inside himself. Hadn’t that been why he fought someone tonight? Fight or fuck, he’d said. And he’d fought. Which means he’d wanted to fuck.

Even if she was that cruel, to kiss him now, to press her body to his and beg him to touch her the way she wants, it wouldn’t feel good. He’s drunk, slurring and swaying all over the place. It wouldn’t feel good. And she knows from her time at college that guys have trouble finishing when they’re drunk. If she’s going to risk everything for the chance to fuck Ben, she wants it to be a good fuck. 

She takes a step back, dropping his hand. 

“You should go to bed. And drink some water,” she says, clearing her throat. 

Ben looks disappointed. She tries not to read too much into that. “Yeah. Probably.”

“I’ll get you some.” She leaps at the excuse to leave, padding into the kitchen to pour him a tall glass of water. 

Ben, to her dismay, trails after her, leaning against the counter as she pours the Brita into his glass. She turns to hand it to him, flushing when his fingers brush hers.

“Thanks,” he says, downing half of it in one gulp. Rey watches his throat work, watches a trickle of water run down his jaw and neck. Ben smiles at her, his wet, red lips looking somehow obscene. “Well. G’night.” He turns out of the kitchen, his heavy footfalls thumping down the stairs.

Rey leans against the counter, pressing her forehead to the cabinet. She needs to get a hold of herself. 

.

Ben sleeps in late the next day, which Rey can only assume is due to a hangover. She moves quietly around the house before heading down to the dock with a book.

When she comes back up for a mid-afternoon snack and toilet break, it’s to find Ben slurping up a bowl of cereal while watching TV. He lowers his eyes when she walks in through the sliding glass doors. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she says back. “How’re you feeling?”

“Hungover.”

“That tracks.” She goes to the fridge to pour herself some water. 

“Thanks for...taking care of me,” he mumbles. 

“Ben, why did you fight someone?”

He sighs. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“But I do.” She perches on the arm of the couch. “Why would you do something like that?”

“I just...I get this like...itch, sometimes,” he says lamely.

“And you have to fight or fuck?”

He jerks his head up to give her a sharp look.

“That’s what you said last night,” she points out. “You said you had to fight or fuck.”

He sighs, setting aside his bowl of cereal. “Yes. I...get like that, sometimes. I’m sorry you had to see it.”

“I’m just glad I saw after and not before.”

“I wish you didn’t have to see it at all,” he says miserably. “I’ve been better about it since you got here, but sometimes it just…”

“Itches?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “Itches.”

Rey nods. “Is there...anything I can do?”

Ben swallows. “No. You’re…you’re perfect.” He picks up his bowl of cereal, settling it over his lap. The conversation is over.

She leaves her phone on the arm of the couch and goes to the bathroom. When she comes back, Ben holds her phone out for her. “Finn texted,” he says in a grumbly sort of voice.

“Oh. Thanks.”

Finn texts a lot. He’s a serial texter, in fact. Rey likes it about him, that he isn’t afraid to show how much he cares about his friends. She just doesn’t always have the energy to respond.

“He your boyfriend?”

Rey chokes out a laugh. “No, he’s just a friend. I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Did you have a boyfriend before?”

He doesn’t have to clarify what “before” means.

“No,” she says truthfully. “I didn’t really...date...in college. I was having too much fun to think about that sort of thing.”

“Fun?” Ben repeats, quirking his eyebrows.

She shrugs. “You know, like hanging out with my friends and stuff.”

“Partying?”

She laughs. “I went to a single house party and some girl threw up on me. I haven’t gone to one since.” 

Ben looks oddly satisfied. “I see.”

“You partied a lot in college, didn’t you?” she asks, taking her perch on the couch again.

He nods. “A little too much, probably.”

“Is that why you dropped out?”

He shrugs. “It was that, and that thing I was telling you about. That itch. It made it hard to go to class.”

“Well, it looks like dropping out runs in the family,” she says as lightly as she can.

Ben’s eyes turn solemn. “You can go back.”

“So can you,” she points out.

He shakes his head. “I’ve never fit into places like that. But you...you should go back. Someday.”

“Yeah,” she says, thinking of all the things her friends are probably doing now. “Maybe.”

Ben sits up on his knees, setting his bowl on the coffee table before resting his hands on Rey’s knees. “Baby girl. You’re only eighteen. You have  _ so much _ life ahead of you.”

“I know,” she says. “That’s what scares me.”

Ben’s eyes look sad. 

She isn’t sure what she means to say--maybe something about how she’s scared, or how she’s sad, or how she can’t stop thinking about him. What comes out instead is, “Do you remember when I used to walk on your back?”

He stares at her for a minute and then laughs. “Yes. You loved doing it, and I always got you to do it when I was hungover.”

“Do you want me to massage your back?” she asks, and then hates herself for the question.

Ben goes quiet, his face serious.

“Just...you know. For old times’ sake.”

He nods slowly. “Sure. If you want.”

“Okay.” She tries to take a subtle, deep breath. “Lie down on your stomach. And take off your shirt.”

He raises an eyebrow but pulls off his shirt and lies on the couch.

God, but he’s beautiful. Fighting has kept him in expert shape, his muscles rippling beneath pale skin mottled with scars and bruises. She wants to kiss every single one of them.

She straddles the base of his spine, lowering herself until she’s fully seated. Ben makes a small noise; she pretends she doesn’t hear, running her hands up and down his back. She wants to take off her own shirt and lie down on top of him, her bare skin pressed to his. But she doesn’t. Instead, she massages his back just as she’d promised, her hands kneading his skin and soothing away the tension. She can feel his noises of satisfaction rumbling against his rib cage as she digs into his shoulders, presses her way down his spine. She becomes drunk on touching him, desperate to feel more of him lest she sober up. 

After a long time, her hands sore, she knows that she cannot touch him anymore. She pulls back, trying to force herself to get up.

Instead, she drapes her body over his, nestling on his bare back. He’s warm and firm, and some ancient instinct in her knows that he will protect her. She closes her eyes, letting her breathing match his.

Ben doesn’t say or do anything--just breathes. 

It’s a long time later--maybe too long--when Rey finally opens her eyes and presses her mouth to his ear. “I love you, Ben.”

She climbs off him, walking back outside to read in the sun. She plans to take off her shirt--just in case he feels like watching.


	6. Chapter 6

As May turns into June, the days lengthen and grow hotter. Rey starts swimming daily in the cove, cooling off after sitting out in the sun. 

Sometimes, Ben joins her, crossing the cove with broad strokes. Rey is always starkly aware of his body when he does this, just as she is of hers. She has a whole array of bathing suits, having grown up at the lake, and lately she’s taken to wearing skimpy string bikinis. To her disappointment, the sight of her in next to nothing does not drive Ben mad with lust as she’d hoped. 

She wants it to be him. She wants him to be the one who takes things too far. If she does it and he rejects her, she doesn’t think she’ll be able to live with the shame. But if Ben does it, then it’s all right. Then it means he wants her, wants her enough to take a chance from which he can never return. 

But the days pass and Ben does nothing, just watches Rey when he thinks she isn’t looking.

So Rey decides to take matters into her own hands.

They’re swimming one day when she climbs out and, lying on her towel, pulls at the strings of her bikini. She lies on her stomach with her back and the sides of her breasts exposed.

“Rey.” Ben’s voice is cold. “Put that thing back on.”

“Hmm?” she asks, lifting enough that he can see her cleavage. There isn’t much there, truthfully--but there’s enough.

Ben looks almost angry. “Put. It. Back. On.”

“Why?” she demands.

“You know why.”

“Nuh-uh,” she says with a teasing smirk. “I want you to tell me why.”

“Because,” he grits out. “If you don’t stop now, there’s no going back, and it has to be all or nothing.”

Despite the heat, Rey almost shivers at the words. “Is that what you want?” she asks. “All of it?”

She can see him swallow. “What’s it gonna be, Rey?” he asks softly. “All or nothing?”

She sits up and lets the bikini fall from her chest. 

Ben scrambles up the ladder at once. Rey’s trembling, terrified and elated all at the same time as he draws nearer, and then he’s kneeling right in front of her and there really is no going back from this.

He kisses her.

It’s nothing like that awkward fumble with her prom date, nothing like that boy she’d gone on two dates with before she decided he was boring. Ben kisses her hungrily, his hands cradling her head as their lips meet over and over, tongues slanting against one another. One of his massive hands trails down, cupping her breast. She whimpers at the sensation, arching into his touch. The hand still at her head reaches around, grabbing a fistful of her hair. He pulls her head back, stretching her neck. 

“There’s no going back from this,” he growls. “So you have to be  _ sure _ this is what you want.”

“You said all or nothing,” she reminds him. “I want it all.” 

Ben kisses her again, a searing, demanding kiss that leaves her boneless in his grasp. She lies back, pulling him on top of her. His bare chest brushes hers, cold water dripping onto her. Her nipples harden as he touches her, rolling them between his fingers. His lips leave her mouth, tongue and teeth trailing down her neck until his lips close around one nipple. She moans, arching into his mouth. 

“My sweet little baby cousin,” he croons, one hand slipping down between her legs. He rubs her through her bathing suit, drawing a gasp from her. “Do you know how much I’ve thought about you like this?”

She wants to tell him that she’s thought about this too, but words seem to be failing her at the moment.

“I knew you wanted me too but I didn’t think you’d go for it,” he admits, pushing aside her bathing suit to slide a finger inside her. She thrashes, panting. “Fuck. You’re so wet. And  _ tight _ . Wanna stretch you out with my cock.”

She wants that too; very, very much.

“I heard you touching yourself in your room that day,” he continues, still sliding his finger in and out of her. “The day after you walked in on me watching porn.”

“You... _ invited _ me,” she pants. 

“And you liked it, didn’t you?” he growls. “You liked watching me touch myself while you were right there.”

She whimpers.

“ _ Didn’t you _ ?”

“Yes!” She reaches for him, pulling his head to hers. “Yes, I liked it!”

Ben kisses her, the finger inside her crooking. She gasps at the sensation, her whole body shuddering with pleasure. 

Ben sits up, pulling out his hand, and tugs off her bathing suit bottoms. She’s never been naked like this with anyone before, and she’s almost embarrassed of her body--but Ben kisses every inch of her skin before shoving down his swimming trunks.

He’s  _ enormous _ . Like, porn-star enormous. Too big for Rey’s virgin cunt enormous. 

“Ben,” she squeaks, suddenly afraid.

“What is it, baby?” he asks softly, nuzzling one breast.

She swallows.  “I’ve never...um...this is my first time.”

He looks up at her, surprised. Then his eyes darken. “Fuck.” He sits up. “You’ve never had sex?”

She shakes her head. “No.”

He closes his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, feeling sure that she’s ruined everything.

“Sorry?” He opens his eyes. “Baby, I get to be the  _ first _ .” He settles on his stomach, his mouth near her cunt. “I’m gonna ruin you for every other man.” And, without taking his eyes from hers, he licks a stripe up her center.

Rey cries out, her hips bucking. Ben pulls her legs over his shoulders and rests his hands on her hips, holding her down as he licks her again. He does it again and again and again, licking and kissing and even sucking until she’s hopelessly wet. His tongue delves inside her, curling the way his finger had, and Rey very nearly loses her mind. 

“B-B-e-e-ennn,” she moans, arms trembling.

Ben slides his tongue out of her, laving her clit as two fingers push inside her. He pumps them slowly at first, then faster and faster as Rey responds enthusiastically. She comes hard, fingers gripping his hair as her cries fill the cove.

“You beautiful girl,” he murmurs, planting a wet kiss to the inside of her thigh. “You beautiful, perfect girl.”

“Ben,” she whispers, and then he’s crawling up her body, two fingers still inside her, pumping slowly. He adds a third, eyes glittering as she moans and writhes beneath him. 

“I’m gonna be the first,” he breathes. “First, last, and only.”

And oh, Rey wants that, wants to be his, wants to be only his, and she nearly comes again. But then Ben pulls out his fingers and lowers his hips to hers.

“Ready?” he murmurs.

She nods quickly, eagerly, and then he’s pushing inside her. 

It hurts, for just a moment, her walls stretching around him. But he touches her clit and kisses her and the pain fades. 

“Christ,” he grunts. “You’re so fucking tight. Even after I made you come, I can barely squeeze inside you.”

Rey doesn’t know what to say, too dizzy with the new sensation. She decides that she likes it, likes having him squeezed inside her. She reaches up, tracing the lines of his muscles, until one of his hands pins her wrist beside her head.

“If you touch me, it’s over,” he says with a rueful smile. “And I want to make you come one more time.”

She nods, eyes wide, watching as he settles fully inside her. She feels so  _ full _ . It’s as if there’s no empty space left in her, because he’s filled it all. Filled her. 

Slowly, Ben pulls back, and just as he’s about to slip out of her, he pushes back in. Rey moans, arching her back. He does it again, and again, slow at first and then faster and faster until he’s properly fucking her.

Rey writhes beneath him, pinned as she is. He’s going so fast she can’t keep up, can only lie there and let him fuck her, and then the tension snaps and she comes with a surprised shout, her toes curling as he fucks her through a second orgasm. One, two, three more thrusts, and then he’s pulling out of her, spilling sticky white fluid all over her breasts and her belly. 

Rey lies there, panting, as Ben sits back, admiring his cum on her skin. He looks up at her with a bashful smile, looking so much younger than his twenty-eight years. “You’re perfect,” he tells her. 

Rey crooks her finger. “Come here.”

He does, leaning over to kiss her. She pulls him all the way down, until his chest is against hers.

And then she rolls them to the side, over the side of the dock and into the water. 

Ben yowls, letting go of her so he can pull up his swimming trunks. Rey laughs, shrieking when he wraps an arm around her waist and pulls them both underwater. She gasps for air when they resurface, wrapping her arms around his neck to keep afloat. He’s grinning at her, still looking like a boy, and impulsively, she leans forward to kiss him. His hands roam her small body, pulling her close and stroking her skin. 

“We’re not having sex in the lake,” she tells him, rearing back her head.

“Fair enough.”

She kisses him again, addicted to the feeling of his lips on hers. 

For a long time, they just float in the water, kissing again and again and again. But soon the kisses turn hungry, and Rey pulls back again with a smile. “Let’s go inside.”

Ben doesn’t need telling twice; he follows Rey up the ladder, barely giving her time to wrap her towel around her body before he tugs her up the steps to the house. No sooner have they stepped inside the sliding glass doors of the basement than he rips the towel from her, pressing her against the glass. She hops up, wrapping her limbs around him easily. Ben kneads her ass with one hand, the other pulling down his swim trunks. He strokes himself, teething at her neck, and then he draws back his hips. Rey feels him at her entrance, the head of his cock pressed against her slit; she reaches down to open herself and then he’s sliding inside her.

Ben’s cock feels absolutely  _ obscene _ . Nothing should ever feel this good. Especially not her cousin’s dick. 

Ben fucks her hard, bracing a hand against the wall as he thrusts inside her. She’s still sore from their earlier coupling, but Ben kisses and caresses her until a third orgasm shudders out of her. She whimpers into his neck, gripping the hair at the nape of his neck. 

“I’m on the pill,” she whispers. “You could...cum inside me...if you want.”

Ben stills for a moment, and then he fucks her with renewed vigor. 

“I’m gonna cum inside that tight little cunt,” he grunts, slamming into her. “Gonna cum in my little cousin’s pretty little cunt.”

She feels him spend inside her, feels his cum fill her with heat. She’s still clinging to his neck, still whimpering, and when he draws back to look at her, she gives him a shy smile. 

“That,” he says, “is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He carries her to the bathroom, where they shower off the lake and sweat and cum. After, he carries her to her room, lying on the bed with her as they kiss each other’s skin dry. 

“Is this real?” she asks him sleepily, warm and content in his arms. 

“It’s real.”

“I didn’t think it would happen,” she admits. “I thought something was wrong with me.”

“I thought something was wrong with me, too,” he tells her. “It’s why I got high. Why I got into that fight. I was afraid I was wrong.”

“But we can’t both be wrong...can we?”

“If we’re wrong,” he says, nuzzling her nose, “then I don’t want to be right.”

  
  



	7. Chapter 7

The next few days are spent in a blissful haze. When the two cousins aren’t fucking (and they fuck  _ a lot _ ), they’re holding each other, touching each other, almost as if they’re afraid that separating for even a moment will wake them from this dream. 

Rey likes waking up in Ben’s arms, likes showering with him, likes sitting in his lap when they eat their morning cereal. There’s a kind of desperation in the way Ben touches her, a kind of possessiveness that sends a thrill up her spine. She’s never been wanted in this all-consuming way before, has never had anyone desperate to possess her. She more than likes it--she  _ adores _ it.

It feels right, somehow, that it’s Ben. They grew up together, have spent every summer for the last eighteen years together. Even when they didn’t get along, they always loved each other. 

This thing between them...Rey doesn’t know what to call it. It isn’t love--not in the romantic sense. She will always love him as her cousin. But she isn’t  _ in love _ with him. 

Lust, perhaps? There’s certainly an element of that in their relationship; they can’t keep their hands off each other, and in the few days they’ve been doing this, Ben has had Rey almost every way a man can have a woman. But there’s something more than just lust at work here.

Infatuation? Admiration? Is there even a word for what they have? There must be, somewhere.

They have to part eventually, though, because they’re running low on groceries, and Rey has to go to the store.

“Why don’t you come with me?” she asks when Ben pouts.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

He takes a deep breath. “I’m afraid someone will recognize me from the fights.”

Rey considers this. That could definitely be problematic. Someone he got the best of once may be feeling vengeful, and they may have friends with them. So that’s why Ben never goes to the store with her and only visits the convenience store in the dead of night.

“Okay,” she says. “You...stay here. I’ll be back soon.”

He grabs her arm. “Wait. Can you get...condoms?”

She blinks up at him. “I’m on the pill…”

“I don’t want to take any chances,” he says, looking serious. “If you got pregnant…”

He doesn’t have to finish the sentence. She knows what he’s thinking. If she got pregnant, something could be wrong with the baby. She knows that just because this feels right doesn’t mean it doesn’t have consequences. There’s a reason first cousin marriages are illegal in so many places.

“I’ll get condoms,” she says, feeling a little sad. She likes the way he feels inside her. Won’t condoms change that? 

She starts to go, but Ben tugs her back again, wrapping her in his arms. “Besides,” he murmurs, “I don’t want to share you. I want you all to myself.”

Her knees go a little weak as they always do when he tells her how much he wants her. She kisses him, tempted to say fuck it and just stay here with him.

But they need food, and apparently condoms, so she steps back regretfully. “I’ll be back soon,” she promises.

She practically zips through the store, throwing things in her cart. Her last stop is the family planning aisle, where she stands in front of the assortment of condoms for a long time, trying to decide which to use. Ben feels enormous, but is he magnum sized? Should she get ribbed for her pleasure? Temperature changing? Flavored? Glow in the dark? If only Ben hadn’t gotten rid of his phone--then she could text him and ask. He probably knows better than she does. She wishes he was here right now, standing behind her and murmuring filthy things in her ear while they choose condoms together.

But they won’t be able to do that, not in this town. Not while he’s afraid of running into his mistakes. 

Fight or fuck, he’d said. He’s fucking her now, and as long as they’re fucking, he won’t feel the need to fight.

...right?

Taking a deep breath, she buys two boxes--one magnum, one regular, and throws them in the cart. 

As soon as she pulls up in front of the lake house, Ben comes out to meet her. She gets out of the car, ready to unload the groceries, but he hoists her onto his shoulder and carries her in the house.

“Ben!” she protests, laughing, but she doesn’t stop him.

They fuck right on the floor, Ben cradling her possessively in his arms as he thrusts into her.

“I missed you,” he murmurs into her hair. 

“I missed you too,” she says, wrapping her legs around his waist. 

They nearly spoil the milk with how long it takes them to bring in the groceries, but Rey doesn’t care. For the first time since her father’s death, she feels deliriously, incandescently happy. 

And isn’t that what her father would have wanted?

.

Rey wakes up one morning and is surprised to discover that it’s her birthday.

She hasn’t been paying attention to the date--time has no meaning out here--but a string of texts and facebook messages tell her that people have wished her a happy birthday.

“It’s my birthday,” she tells Ben when he wakes up, nuzzling the back of her neck. 

He cages her against the bed, kissing her. “Happy Birthday. What do you want to do?”

“I think you know what,” she murmurs, reaching down to stroke him.

“After that,” he says, but his eyes are already darkening, his cock stiffening in her hand.

“More of this.”

He huffs out a laugh. “I’m taking you out on the boat today, and then I’m going to eat you out in the middle of the lake.”

“Okay,” she says agreeably, because she doesn’t really care where he eats her out. She strokes him until he’s hard, and then she rolls on her stomach so he can take her from behind. She’s learning that she likes this position, likes how deep it makes him go inside her. 

Ben’s cock slides easily into her cunt, already slick with expectancy. She sighs in contentment as he fills her, dragging his cock in and out until she wriggles impatiently. Then he fucks her until she’s breathless, her hands grabbing fistfuls of the bed sheet.

He cums inside her, which they normally try to avoid, but sometimes they forget. Rey doesn’t really mind. She doesn’t want to get pregnant, of course, but there’s something terribly primal and possessive about his cumming inside her. 

He’s kissing her back, soothing the place where he’d bitten it, when they hear footsteps upstairs.

“Rey?”

She rolls over to look at Ben, both their eyes wide.

“My mom?” he hisses.

“Rey?”

“And my dad!”

“What are they doing here?” she whispers, already reaching for clothes.

“Why are you asking me, I didn’t invite them!”

Rey groans. “My birthday. They must’ve come up to surprise me.”

“Rey?”

“Be up in a minute!” she shouts. 

Ben grips her chin roughly. “Do not tell them I’m here.”

She stares at him, shocked both because of his instructions and also because of the way he’s handling her. “What?”

He gives her chin a small shake. “Do. Not. Tell them. I’m here.”

“Let go of me!” she says, but he doesn’t.

“Rey, I need you to promise me,” he says. His eyes are wide and frantic. “Promise me you won’t tell them.”

“You’re hurting, let go! I won’t tell them!”

He finally does let her go. She feels like crying. 

“I’ll hide down here,” he says, sinking back on the bed. “Don’t let them come down.”

She turns away from him, pulling on the rest of her clothes. When she’s dressed, she turns to face him. “You’re an asshole,” she snaps, and then she bounds up the stairs, pasting on a smile as she sees her aunt and uncle. 

“Rey!” Leia exclaims, enfolding the younger woman in her arms. “It’s so good to see you! Happy Birthday!”

“What are you guys doing here?” Rey asks, hugging Han and trying not to think about the fact that their son’s cum is still inside her, slowly leaking out with every movement she makes.

“Ah, we felt like you might be lonely on your birthday--your aunt wanted to surprise you,” Han says with his usual crooked smile. 

“That’s so nice of you,” Rey says. “How long are you staying?”

“Oh, we thought we’d spend the night.”

Rey’s heart sinks. If they’re here for the night, then Ben will have to hide for two days.

And  _ why _ is he hiding? She knows he’s avoiding his parents, but isn’t this going a little far? She’s still mad at him for the way he gripped her chin. It was just bizarre.

“How’s about we go out on the boat?” Han suggests with a winning smile. “Have you gone out on it yet?”

“Oh, a few times,” she says, remembering how Ben was supposed to take her out and eat her out on the boat today. Guess that won’t be happening now. 

“Well, it’ll be nice for us all to do it,” Leia says. “I just wish…” She shakes her head. “Never mind. Let’s Han and me unload the car and then we’ll change into our swimsuits and get going.”

Rey waits until they’re both outside to bound down the stairs. Ben is in his room, fully clothed and looking sullen. 

“Well?”

“They’re here for the weekend,” she says, and then remembers she’s mad at him. “They’re taking me out on the boat.”

His jaw clenches. “Peachy.”

She goes to her room, leaving the door open as she changes into her bathing suit. Ben stands in the doorway, watching her.

“Stop looking at me.”

“Why? You didn’t seem to mind earlier.”

“That was before you grabbed my face like some abusive boyfriend.”

Ben looks stricken. “I what?”

She straightens up, frowning. “You grabbed my chin and shook me.”

“I did?” He looks appalled. “I...Rey, I swear I don’t remember doing that.”

She stares at him. “How do you not remember something like that?”

“It’s...I don’t know,” he says honestly. “It happens when I fight sometimes, but never...never like this.” When Rey says nothing, he comes towards her, getting on his knees. He buries his face in her stomach. “Rey, I swear, I’d never hurt you.”

“You scared me,” she accuses. 

“I’m so, so sorry.” 

He sounds it. She wants to believe him. “I...I have to go,” she mumbles, reaching for her t-shirt.

“Are you mad at me?” he asks, looking up at her rather pathetically.

She hesitates. “I’m not...happy,” she says. “Just. Let me go back up there before they think something is wrong.”

He lets her go, but reluctantly. She bounds back up the stairs, pasting a spunky smile on her face as she faces her aunt and uncle again.

.

The outing on the lake is nice. Or it would be, if Rey wasn’t constantly panicking that her aunt and uncle will figure out that not only is their son in the lake house, but also that she’s been having sex with him. 

Han and Leia seem happy to be back out on the lake. Normally they come up for a few weeks at a time during the summer, but there doesn’t seem to be any question of their doing it this year. As far as they know, Luke is dead, Ben is mysteriously absent, and Rey is mourning the loss of her father. 

They’ve been out on the lake for a while when Leia sits down beside Rey and asks with wide, serious eyes, “How are you?”

“I’m good,” Rey says. “Really good. The lake has been good for me. It’s...peaceful here.”

Leia nods. “That’s good. Really good.” She pauses. “And are you...using protection?”

Rey stares at her, suddenly horrified.

“I know hickies when I see them, Rey,” Leia says wryly. “And I must say, I’m not entirely surprised, you all alone in that big empty lake house. It’s natural you’d seek solace in someone’s arms.”

“Oh my god,” Rey says, covering her face with her hands. “This is so embarrassing.”

“Is it someone from town?” Leia asks, and Rey realizes then that Leia doesn’t know about Ben--she just thinks it’s some random vacationer Rey picked up on the lake.

“I don’t really want to talk about this with you,” Rey says.

“Okay,” Leia says good-naturedly. “But are you using protection?”

“ _ Yes _ , god.”

“That’s all I wanted to know. But if you ever have any questions--”

“Aunt Leia!”

“Leave her alone, hun,” Han says. “She’s an adult, she knows what she’s doing.”

“Your son is an even older adult and he has no idea what he’s doing.”

Rey tenses at the mention of Ben.

“You don’t know that,” Han tells his wife.

“When was the last time he had a job, Han?”

“Just because he doesn’t have a job doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he’s doing.”

“Well, I sure wish he’d let me in on it.”

Rey gets up, moving as far from their argument as possible.

This is the part of summer she’d always hated. The part where Han and Leia fight--and even worse, the part where they fight about Ben. Those arguments can last hours, even days, an endless stream of harsh words and harsher tones. It always made Rey wonder: if this is what their summer vacation is like, what is a normal day in the Skywalker-Solo household? It couldn’t have been very easy for Ben, growing up in a house like that. 

While they argue, her mind drifts back to Ben. She feels bad for the way she left things, now that he isn’t here. She’s still upset, even more so by the fact that he apparently doesn’t remember grabbing her, but in some ways, that’s a relief. If he doesn’t remember, then he didn’t mean it--did he?

The argument is mostly over by the time they return to the lake house. 

“Go shower and put on something nice--we’re taking you out to dinner,” Leia says, perfectly serene.

Rey goes down the stairs, hesitating outside the door to Ben’s room. Should she go in and say hello to him? Would talking take too long, complicate matters too much? Or should she leave it and get ready for dinner without making a fuss?

Before she can make a decision, Ben opens the door, looking down at her.

“Hi,” he says softly.

“Hi,” she squeaks. 

He wraps his arms around her, breathing deeply. “I’m sorry. I’ve been sick this whole time, thinking about you. I don’t remember grabbing you, I don’t, I’m sorry--”

“It’s okay,” she says, because now that she’s here, back in his arms, she feels happy and safe. “Really, I...it’s okay. Just. Come shower with me?”

Ben holds her all through her shower, even when she washes her hair, even when she tells him he’s being ridiculous. He seems afraid to let go of her, and far from finding it annoying, Rey finds it positively sweet. He sits on her bed, after, and watches her put on a black cotton dress--the nicest that she brought to the lake house. 

“Are you sure you won’t let them see you?” she asks, tugging the dress over her head. 

“I really, really don’t want them to know I’m here,” he says. “Just say I texted you and I’m being my typical asshole self or whatever.”

She sighs. “Okay. But if you change your mind…”

He pulls her close. “Baby, if I change my mind and let my parents know I’m here, they’re gonna know something’s up as soon as they look at us.”

And, well, he has a point. She kisses him for a long moment. “I have to go. Stay out of trouble.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She kisses him again and then heads up the stairs, smiling for her aunt and uncle.

.

Dinner is fun. They go to one of the nicer restaurants in town, where Han and Leia encourage Rey to order whatever she wants. The servers come over at the end with a cake and sing “Happy Birthday”, applauding when Rey blows out the candle.

There’s a certain heaviness in her heart without her father here to celebrate. She misses him, and as happy as she is with Ben, she knows it’s more of a distraction from the pain than anything. 

“I don’t know if you’re too old for this sort of thing,” Leia says as she hands Rey a small box. “But I thought maybe it would be a nice reminder.”

Rey opens the box and finds a gold locket inside. When she opens it, she sees two pictures--one of her mother, and one of her father. She blinks and realizes that she’s crying.

Leia wraps her in a warm hug. “You’ll always have us,” she says fiercely. “Me, and your uncle, and even your cousin. We’re always here for you, no matter what.”

.

After she gets back, after bidding Han and Leia goodnight, Rey goes down to her room. Ben is already in her bed, so she pulls off her dress and crawls in beside him.

“I missed you,” he says again.

“I missed you,” she says sincerely, kissing him. “Your parents will go home tomorrow.”

“Thank god.” He moves over her, kissing his way down her body. “But in the meantime, I promised you a certain birthday treat.”

“You promised it would be in the middle of the lake.”

“Is your bed an acceptable alternative?”

“Depends on how many times you make me come.”

It’s dark, but she’s sure Ben is smiling. “Baby, you won’t know what hit you.”

Rey closes her eyes and lets Ben give her a very, very, very good present.

  
  



	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A LOT happens in this chapter, so get ready!!

When Rey wakes up in the morning, she turns to Ben with a lazy smile. He’s still asleep, but he wakes when she peppers his face with kisses. He lets out a low, rumbling sound of approval, pulling her against him. 

“Good morning,” she breathes.

“Good morning.”

She reaches for his cock, stroking him softly, and then sits up, cursing. 

“What? What is it?”

“Your parents,” she hisses.

Ben groans into the pillow. “They’re still here.”

“Shit.” She gets out of bed and darts across the hall to the bathroom to take a shower. She smells like sex, and it simply won’t do to go to breakfast with her aunt and uncle like that. 

Ben joins her again, loath to let go of her as she washes herself clean. She dances around him, toweling off and changing into shorts and a blouse. “I have to go,” she tells him. “They’ll be gone soon.”

He kisses her greedily. “They’d better.”

When she comes upstairs, it’s to find Han and Leia already sitting at the kitchen table. They’ve made pancakes, and Rey eats them greedily. She’s missed Han and Leia’s pancakes, which always have a few too many chocolate chips--which, in her opinion, is the perfect amount. She drowns them in syrup, ripping off several paper towels in place of napkins--something she’s neglected to buy at the store.

When Han gets up to get dressed for the day, Leia turns to Rey. 

“Sweetie, is everything okay?” she asks, eyes concerned.

Rey blinks at her. “Y-yeah?”

Leia purses her lips. “It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

Leia shakes her head. “You just don’t seem like yourself.” 

Rey doesn’t know what she normally seems like. She swallows. “I guess...with my dad and everything…”

Leia nods, but it’s clear she doesn’t entirely believe Rey. “I suppose.” She looks as if she wants to say something else, then closes her mouth and smiles, shaking her head.

Rey wonders what Leia would have said. She wonders what Leia sees to make her say she doesn’t seem like herself. Some part of her wonders: does she know?

.

Han and Leia leave that afternoon. They swam for a bit in the lake with Rey and then packed up their things and left, but not before hugging Rey a hundred times and telling her that if she needs  _ anything _ , anything  _ at all _ , to let them know.

It feels nice, Rey decides, to be taken care of like that.

But right now, it’s their son who she’d rather let take care of her. 

She finds him in his room, playing video games. He throws aside the controller when he sees her, pulling her into his lap and helping her shed her clothes. 

“I thought they’d never leave,” he breathes, unhooking her bra. 

“Me either.” She pulls him free of his pants, stroking his cock even as she steps away to get out of her shorts and underwear. She climbs back onto his lap and sinks onto his length, sighing in relief. She hasn’t gone this long without fucking him since they started this twisted thing, and even as she’d hugged her aunt and uncle goodbye, her underwear had been soaking from want of Ben.

“I think I’m addicted to you,”  she tells him, riding him steadily.

“Yeah?” He leans back, watching her muscles ripple. “Then I’m addicted to you.”

She rides him until she comes with a broken mewl, and then he flips them over, thrusting hard into her until he pulls out, spilling on her stomach. 

“So,” he pants. “What if I take you out on the boat today to make up for yesterday?”

“You made up for it last night.”

He gives her an abashed sort of grin. “Honestly, I just want to fuck you in the middle of the lake. Where anyone could see.”

The idea is certainly tempting, so Rey nods. “Okay. Let’s go.”

They pull on bathing suits and t-shirts and then head down to the boat, easing it out of the cove before kicking it into high gear out on the lake. Ben takes her out not to the middle of the lake, but one of the most heavily populated areas. There, he kills the motor, gets on the bench with Rey, and proceeds to eat her out with gusto. She lies back on the bench, staring up at the sky, moaning as he licks and sucks. Her fingers wind in his thick black hair, tugging as he brings her closer to orgasm. 

Anyone could see them, if they looked hard enough. There are condos all along the shore, not to mention the people boating by. She and Ben are out in the open--anyone passing by or paying particular attention to their boat could probably see what they’re doing.

The thought makes her come hard, fingers pulling at Ben’s hair.

And then he’s climbing up her body, pulling down his swim trunks so that he can enter her sopping wet center. She hooks her legs on his shoulders, panting as he bears down on her. 

A passing jet skiier whoops at them. Rey giggles and Ben nearly loses his rhythm, but then he thrusts hard enough to wipe the smile off her face. They come together, a frenzy of pants and moans and teeth and tongues, and then he collapses on top of her, burying his face in her neck.

“Someone saw,” she says needlessly.

“I hope lots of people saw. I hope they all saw me fucking you. I hope they saw you coming on my cock.” He pulls back, his hand resting on her throat. “I’m the only one who gets to make you come.”

“Yes,” she breathes.

“You belong to me.”

“Yes.”

He kisses her tenderly. “Good.” He gets up, leaving Rey dizzy on the bench. She half-heartedly pulls her bikini bottoms back on, dragging herself into a sitting position as Ben starts up the boat. 

She’s his. His and only his.

.

Time melts together. Rey has no concept of morning or afternoon, can hardly tell one day from the next. All it is is an endless stream of Ben and her and her and Ben. They sleep when they’re tired, eat when they’re hungry. Sometimes she goes to the store, never fully aware of what time it is. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters but Ben.

Some part of her feels that her friends would never approve, would never understand. Even if she lied and didn’t tell them he was her cousin, she feels as if they would think her crazy for being so enthralled with someone. They would tell her she isn’t acting like herself, that the relationship isn’t healthy.

So she doesn’t tell her friends, and in fact, she ices them out completely. She goes entire days without checking her phone, and when she does, she reads her texts but rarely responds. She doesn’t need to talk to them--she has Ben.

It’s because of this never checking her phone that Rey doesn’t see several missed calls from Leia at first. In fact, she’d let her phone die and is charging it when she sees the notifications. She calls her aunt at once, heart thudding.

“Is everything okay?” she asks as soon as Leia picks up.

Leia sighs. “Oh honey...it’s...it’s about Ben.”

Rey starts. Ben is still sleeping downstairs. “What about him?”

“The police called us. You see, he...they think he killed someone.”

Rey’s heart thuds so loudly she can hardly hear herself speak. “What?”

“At the lake. This man was found dead in a parking lot, beaten to a pulp, and CCTV footage...shows someone who looks an awful lot like Ben.”

Rey swallows. It can’t be. It can’t be true. “When?”

“A couple months ago. Probably before your father...before your father. Someone local finally said they recognized him.”

“What if it isn’t Ben?” Rey asks, and she can hear her voice cracking. 

“It might not be. But…” Leia doesn’t finish. Rey doesn’t think she could bear it if she did. 

“Ben wouldn’t kill anyone.”

“I know.”

“But you think it was him,” she says, voice still cracking. 

“I don’t know what to believe. I think it’s odd that Ben has been...impossible to reach.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Rey says, and she’s aware that she’s starting to cry.

“Oh, honey, I know how upsetting this is for you. I know how much you look up to your cousin. I wouldn’t have called if it wasn’t so serious. The police might be coming to ask you questions--I can come up and stay with you, if that would make you feel better.”

“I...need to think,” Rey says, and it isn’t a lie. 

“I understand. Call me if you need  _ anything _ , sweetie.”

“I will.” Rey hangs up, her hands trembling.

It couldn’t have been Ben. It  _ couldn’t _ have.

But.

Ben had been hiding out in the lake house when she got here. He’d had a knife. He’d gotten rid of his phone. He won’t go with her to town. Someone had recognized him from the CCTV footage. He doesn’t want his parents to know he’s here, even going so far as to hide from them while they were in the same house. He gets in fights, the evidence of which she’s seen herself. And there had been the time he’d grabbed her roughly and hadn’t remembered it after.

For a fleeting moment, Rey is tempted to get in her car and drive to Han and Leia’s house. They’d know what to do.

But just as quickly, she dismisses the thought. She can’t abandon Ben. Whatever he’s done--whatever he  _ may _ have done--he needs her. And she needs him.

Slowly, she makes her way down the stairs. She stands in the doorway for a long moment, watching him sleep, before saying, “Ben?”

He stirs, looking up at her with a sleepy grin. It fades when he sees the look on her face. “What is it?” he asks, sitting up. “What’s wrong?”

She breathes deeply. “Your mom called. She said you’ve been accused of killing someone.”

Ben goes still, his face turning hard. 

“Is it true?”

“That I’ve been accused?”

“That you killed someone!” she shouts.

He sits back, considering her. 

“Is it  _ true _ ?” she asks shrilly, terrified he won’t answer her. Fearful, she strikes out at him, crying out when he grabs her wrist. In one easy movement, he has her sprawled beneath him on the bed, her limbs pinned.

“What if it is?” he asks, his eyes hard. 

She shakes her head, tears springing to her eyes. “I don’t know.”

“You’ll leave me?”

She shakes her head again. “No.”

He softens suddenly, releasing her wrists. “You know I’d never hurt you.”

“I know,” she whispers. “Ben, I know you’d never, I didn’t want to believe…”

His head droops into the crook of her neck. “It’s true.”

Rey feels cold. “What happened?”

He shakes his head, his hair tickling her bare skin. “I don’t know. I had that itch, you know? I had to fight someone. And this guy...he was giving me shit. I swung at him and it’s like...I blacked out. I don’t remember what happened. And then it’s like I woke up, and all of a sudden I saw him on the ground, all bloody and beat up. I don’t remember doing it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she breathes.

He draws back to look at her. “Are you kidding? You would’ve called the police.”

“Maybe I wouldn’t have,” she says, but she wonders if that’s really true. “Maybe I would have tried to help you.”

“Will you help me now?” he asks softly. 

She nods. “I’d do anything for you.”

Ben kisses her--a hard, passionate kiss that takes her breath away. He reaches down, pulling down her shorts and underwear; he pulls them off her legs and slips inside her. His thrusts are slow and intense, his eyes locked on hers. 

“I need you, Rey. Always.”

“I need you too,” she says desperately, clinging to him. 

“You’re not afraid of me? Of a murderer?”

“I’d never be afraid of you.” She touches his face. “You’d never hurt me.”

“Never,” he whispers, kissing her hand.

Tears spill out of her eyes. “I love you, Ben.”

He lowers his head, kissing away her tears. “I love you, Rey.”

She weeps as he finishes inside her, burying her face in his shoulder. Ben is a murderer.

And she loves him.

.

“What are we going to do?” she asks. 

“We’ll stay here.”

“Forever?” 

He kisses her. “If you like. Or we could run away. Go to Canada. Mexico.”

“Hide for the rest of our lives, you mean,” she says quietly.

He strokes her jaw. “Would you do it for me?”

She kisses his hand. “I would do anything for you.”

And that’s when they hear the knock at the door. 

Rey lifts her head. “Your parents?”

Ben looks up at the ceiling, shaking his head. “They have a key, they could just let themselves in if they wanted.”

Rey bites her lip. “Should I…?”

He nods, rolling off her so she can pull on clothes. She moves quietly up the stairs and, when she’s reached the top, peers around the corner. 

Two people are outside, peering into the house. One of them catches sight of her, and then she has no choice but to answer the door. 

“Hello?” she asks.

“Are you Rey Skywalker?”

She nods. “Yes. Who are you?”

The woman holds up a badge. “Detectives Pava and Wexley. We’re investigating a murder case. May we come inside? We have a few questions for you.”

Rey chews her lip. “Uh...sure. Come in.” She steps aside, watching as the man and woman enter. They glance around the house, and Rey wonders what their detectives’ eyes see. She follows them into the living room, where they sit on one couch. She takes the opposite couch, sitting on her hands so she doesn’t fidget. “I’m guessing this is about Ben? My aunt told me that you’d talked to her.”

Detective Pava nods. “I’m afraid so. Miss Skywalker, when was the last time you spoke to your cousin?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know...before my dad died. A few months now.”

Detective Pava scribbles this down. “Would you say your cousin was violent?”

“Uh, no?” She thinks back. Ben never  _ seemed _ violent when she was growing up; if he hadn’t told her about the fights, she’d never know. “Not that I know of.”

More scribbling. “How long have you been staying in this house, Miss Skywalker?” 

“A few weeks? I...haven’t really been paying attention.” 

Neither of the detectives seem very bothered by this. 

“Do you think your cousin might have stayed here before you arrived?”

Rey shrugs. “We all have a key to the house--it’s entirely possible he stayed here.”

More scribbling. 

“If you hear from your cousin, would you please let us know?” Detective Pava hands her a card.

Rey takes it, staring down at the lettering. “Of course.”

“Thank you for your time.”

The detectives get up and file out the door. Rey watches them, numb with disbelief. That had gone so well. They hadn’t searched the house, hadn’t found Ben. He’s safe.

For now.

“Who was it?” Ben asks as soon as she’s downstairs.

“Detectives.” She bites her lip. “Ben, they’re looking for you.”

“What did you tell them?” Ben asks sharply.

“I said I hadn’t heard from you since before my dad died.” She sits on his lap, winding her arms around his neck. “I lied to protect you. I told you I’d do anything for you.”

“I know you would.” He kisses her, long and lingering. She feels desperate for his affection, for his approval. She wants to protect him and be protected by him. 

“Ben, what if they find out you’re here?”

“They won’t,” he says firmly. “They’ve been inside the house now, and no one else in town has seen me.”

“What about the people who work in the convenience store?”

He shrugs. “It’s always the same guy and I keep my hood up.”

“But what if they find out you’re here anyway?” she presses, anxious. “They’ll arrest you.”

“Then we’ll leave,” he says, easy as that. “We’ll drive up to Canada and start over. Somewhere where no one knows about this or that we’re cousins. We can just be Ben and Rey.”

Truthfully, it sounds ideal. A quiet life somewhere far away, where no one knows Ben is a murderer, where no one knows he’s Rey’s cousin. It can be just the two of them, always and forever.

“What will we do for money?” she asks, imagining their life together.

“We don’t need money.”

“Yes we do,” she laughs. “We need to buy a house and food.”

“I’ll build you a house. I’ll hunt food for you.” He nuzzles her nose. “I don’t want to be apart from you ever.”

“You won’t be,” she promises. “You won’t, you won’t ever be apart from me.”

He kisses her, fingers curling in her hair and tugging her head back until her neck is exposed. He drags his teeth down the column of her throat, caressing her through her shorts. She moans at this attention, reaching with trembling hands to pull off her shirt. She’s had sex with Ben countless times now, but every time feels like the first. 

She stands up just long enough to pull off the rest of her clothes, and then she’s climbing back on Ben’s lap, straddling his his thighs. When he pulls her onto him, she’s already wet, already eager for his touch. She rides him with sweet slowness, sighing contentedly as her hips gyrate over his. 

A shadow falls over them, and when Rey looks up, she shouts.

For standing there, watching them, is Leia. 

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting so close to the end!!!
> 
> I'm just gonna throw this out there: not everyone is going to like the ending. In fact, a lot of you may hate it. I *did* warn that it was going to be fucked up and unhealthy, so just...keep that in mind. 
> 
> I DO want to thank y'all for the effusive praise you've given this fic--I was fully expecting little to no positivity, but your reviews make my day every time I see them. Thank you for reading <3

Rey freezes, too stunned to move. Ben follows her eye, swearing when he sees Leia. He turns his body, trying to shield Rey from his mother. 

Leia’s eyes are infinitely sad. “I’ll be upstairs.” She turns and leaves, her footsteps mournfully loud on the stairs. 

Rey looks at Ben, trembling. “She knows.”

Ben’s eyes are hard, his jaw so tight Rey fears he might break it. It scares her near to tears. 

“Ben? Ben, what…

“She knows,” he says again. “About us. We have to get dressed.” He stands up, setting Rey on her feet. 

“What does it mean?” she whispers. 

He kisses the top of her head. “Get dressed.”

She does, hands shaking as she tries to pull on her clothes. Ben won’t look at her, absorbed in putting on his own clothes. He takes her hand, pulling her up the stairs. She’s still scared, and scareder still at Ben’s refusal to look at her.

When they reach the top, she almost digs in her heels so that they won’t have to face Leia. But Ben is strong, and he pulls her effortlessly into the living room. 

Leia is sitting on one of the couches--the same one, Rey notes, on which the police sat earlier. Ben pulls Rey all the way to the other couch, where they sit rigidly, Rey’s hands in her lap and Ben’s jaw tense. Leia looks at them with those sad, sorrowful eyes. 

“How long has this been going on?” she asks softly.

Rey can’t bear to look at her. “A few weeks.”

“It was going on while Han and I were here, wasn’t it?”

Rey can only nod. 

“And Ben was in the house the whole time, wasn’t he?”

“Why are you here?” Ben lashes out, and for a split second, Rey is afraid of him. 

“I came to see if Rey needed anything.” Leia heaves a sigh. “And...I had my suspicions.”

“How?” Rey asks softly, finally looking up at the other woman.

Leia shakes her head. “Call it a mother’s intuition, I suppose. I knew something was...off, last  time I was here. That you were hiding something. I also knew you’d do anything for Ben. The pieces...fell together.”

“So I’m fucking my cousin,” Ben says harshly. “So what? You’re gonna ground me? Take away my toys?”

“I have half a mind to call the police.”

Rey reaches for Ben’s hand, and though he’s so stiff and so angry, the touch of him comforts her. “Please don’t,” she begs. “He didn’t know what he was doing, it wasn’t until after...Aunt Leia, please don’t send him away. He’s your  _ son _ .”

“I know,” Leia says, looking old and tired. “And that’s what makes this all so difficult.”

“Mom?” Ben’s voice is suddenly small and scared. “You’re not...you’re not gonna call the police, are you?” When she doesn’t answer right away, he repeats, terrified, “Are you?!”

“I don’t know, Ben,” she says honestly. “I just don’t know. What you did is...awful. You took a man’s life. That is unforgivable. But you are my only child and the person I love most in this world. So...I don’t know.”

“He didn’t know what he was doing,” Rey says desperately. “He blacked out...he doesn’t remember doing it.”

“That doesn’t make it any better,” Leia says gently. 

“Please don’t,” Rey begs, squeezing his hand. “Please don’t turn him in.”

“What will happen if I don’t?” Leia asks. “What will you do?”

“Run away,” Ben says at once. “Leave the country. Start over.”

“Either way, I lose you.” Leia sighs. “There just isn’t an easy way out of this, is there?”

“Just let me go, Mom,” Ben says softly. “Let us both go.”

Leia’s eyes flicker to Rey. “You’d go with him?”

Rey nods mutely.

“I see.” Leia leans back. “Well, that complicates things, doesn’t it?”

“I love him,” Rey whispers.

“I was afraid of that.” Leia sighs again. “Rey, I think you should come with me.”

Ben’s hand clenches around Rey’s. “She’s not going anywhere with you.”

“I think we should talk, and I don’t think Ben should hear it,” she continues, not taking her eyes from Rey. “There’s something I want to show you.”

“What is it?” Rey asks hoarsely.

Leia shakes her head. “I can’t say. But I think it will put things into perspective for you.”

“Don’t,” Ben snarls.

“Rey is an adult who can make her own decisions,” Leia says calmly. 

Ben turns to look at Rey. She bites her lip. She wants to hear what Leia has to say, what Leia won’t say in front of her son...but what could it be? Nothing good, she imagines. 

“Is this a trick? To call the police?”

Leia shakes her head. “I promise I will not trick you into calling the police.”

Rey glances at Ben. “Well…”

“You’re not gonna go?” Ben asks incredulously.

Rey can’t meet his eyes. His hands grip hers so tightly it hurts. 

“Rey. You’re not gonna go.”

“She can make her own decisions,” Leia says again. “Don’t you agree, Ben?”

Ben reluctantly lets go of Rey’s hands. 

“I’m going,” Rey says softly. 

Ben stands up abruptly, storming out of the living room and down the stairs. 

Leia nods. “Let’s go, then.”

They get in Leia’s car, Rey forcing herself to sit on her hands so she won’t be tempted to wring them. Leia drives them into town, parking in one of the general lots before leading Rey into a diner. Rey follows her, confused.

“What do you want?” Leia asks conversationally, scanning the menu.

“I’m not...really hungry,” Rey says, confused. 

“Nonsense--you’re always hungry.”

Normally, Leia’s right, but Rey’s stomach is in so many knots she doesn’t think she’ll be able to hold anything down. She halfheartedly orders fries and a Coke while Leia gets a chicken club sandwich and an iced tea. 

“What are we doing here?” Rey asks as soon as their server has gone to put in their orders.

Leia leans back in the booth, eyes on the counter. “See that woman at the cash register?”

Rey looks. There’s a wisp of a woman, with straw-colored hair and bags under her eyes as she punches something in. 

“What about her?”

Leia’s quiet for a moment. “Her husband was the man my son killed.”

Rey’s stomach drops. The woman looks tired and sad; she wipes the back of her hand across her forehead before a customer at the counter says something, and she rushes to refill their coffee. 

“They have two kids,” Leia goes on. “Little kids. I imagine she has to work extra shifts now. She’s young. Only twenty-something. She and her husband married right out of high school.”

“How do you know all this?” Rey whispers. 

“I did some research after the police contacted me.” Leia turns her eyes back to Rey. “I wanted to know whose life my son took.”

“He didn’t mean it,” Rey whispers, but there’s no vehemence behind her words. Only sorrow.

“He didn’t mean it, but it happened. And it might happen again.”

Rey looks at her sharply.

Leia shakes her head. “Rey, if this happened once, what’s to stop it from happening again? If he gets angry, if he blacks out, what if he takes another person’s life?”

And Rey...hasn’t really thought about it like that before. To her, it was an isolated accident, something that shouldn’t have happened and won’t again. But what Leia’s saying chills her. 

“Ben could hurt someone and not know it,” Leia says gently. “He could hurt  _ you _ .”

“He’d never hurt me,” Rey starts to say, but then she remembers the time he grabbed her face and how he hadn’t remembered it after. Her protestation dies on her lips.

Leia has a knowing look. “Rey. I love my son. More than anything in this world. But that doesn’t mean I can turn a blind eye to the things he’s done and will do. I don’t want him to go to jail, but even more than that, I don’t want him to hurt anyone else. I don’t want to read about more families suffering the loss of a loved one because my son lost his temper. I don’t want to outlive you.”

“He wouldn’t kill me,” Rey says weakly. 

“But he would kill someone else.”

Rey’s saved having to answer by the arrival of their Coke and iced tea. She fiddles with her straw, pushing it around her drink and watching the ice clink against the red faux-glass. 

“So...are you going to turn him in?” she finally asks.

“If I turn him in, then you’ll get in trouble for hiding him.”

And oh, Rey hasn’t even considered that. Could she go to jail too? For trying to protect her cousin?

“What do I do?” Rey whispers.

“I’m afraid you have to make that decision for yourself,” Leia says gently. “No one else can make it for you.”

Rey puts her face in her hands. “But I love him.”

“So do I.”

The server comes back with Rey’s fries and Leia’s chicken club sandwich. Rey pushes away her plate, nauseated at the smell. She wants to throw up. She wants to scream. She wants to go back to the lake house and let Ben hold her and tell her it will be okay. 

“I’ll let you decide what you want to do,” Leia says. “Whether that means running away or turning him in or washing your hands of this whole mess. And I will help you however I can.”

Rey breathes deeply. “Okay. I...I need time to think.”

Leia nods. “I understand. I’ll take you back to the house.” She reaches into her wallet, pulling out a twenty and leaving it on the table beside their untouched food. The two women get up and walk out to Leia’s car, where they drive back to the lake house in silence. 

When they pull up to the house, Rey turns abruptly to Leia. “Can you come inside with me?”

Leia nods, turning off the ignition and getting out of the car. Rey pushes open the door with shaky fingers, half-expecting an attack of some kind.

There is none; only Ben, pacing up and down the hall. Rey sees a hole in the wall and feels sick again. 

“You’re back,” he says abruptly, striding to Rey and wrapping his arms around her. 

She looks up at his face, and the sick feeling doesn’t go away. She trembles in his arms, remembering the woman at the diner. Ben killed a man. Ben could kill another man.

Ben could kill her.

“I’m spending a few days with your parents,” she blurts, and his face hardens.

“What?” he demands, stepping away from her.

“We thought it would be best,” Leia says without missing a beat. “She’ll come back. She just needs some space.”

“Is this true?” Ben asks with narrowed eyes.

Rey takes a deep breath. “Yes. I...I just need to think.”

“About leaving me.”

“It’s not like that,” she says pleadingly. 

“Isn’t it?” 

“Ben,” Leia says, gentle and firm all at once. “Rey loves you very much, and if you love her, you will let her go and trust that she will come back when she’s ready.”

“Don’t tell me how to love her!” he snaps.

Rey lays a trembling hand on his arm. “Ben...she’s right. If you love me, you’ll let me go away for a little while. Please. I promise I’ll come back.”

He looks between the two women, breathing hard. “You’re turning her against me.”

“I’m trying to help her,” Leia says gently. “Ben, we both love and care about you, and we want what’s best for you. Don’t you want what’s best for Rey?”

“Leaving me is best for her?”

“I  _ promise _ I’ll come back,” Rey says, tears in her eyes. 

“What if you don’t?” he asks, and the anger in his voice melts into fear.

She wraps her arms around him, burying her face in his chest. “I will. I love you.”

He sucks in a breath at the admission made in front of his mother, and then he kisses the top of her head. “I love you. Come back.”

She steps away. “I’m going downstairs to grab a few things.”

He nods, hands jammed in his pockets. She hurries down the stairs, throwing some clean clothes in a backpack before bounding back up the stairs. Ben’s hands are still jammed in his pockets; he doesn’t look at her as she comes into the living room.

“I’ll be back,” she says.

Ben nods, staring at the floor.

Rey follows Leia outside to her car. As soon as they get inside, Rey bursts into tears. Leia wraps her arms around her. 

“Shh, I know it’s hard, but you’re being so strong. So brave. It’s all right.”

Rey wishes she could believe her. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are...the end! I know some of you have been asking for a HEA, but to quote my favorite edgelord: If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention. 
> 
> Seriously though, thank you guys for reading this, I'm so glad I'm not alone in my trash pile.

It’s a two hour drive to Han and Leia’s house. Rey cries for most of it, already missing Ben and wishing she could go back to him. She’s worried about him, alone in that house. What if he punches more holes in the walls? What if he hurts himself?

What if he gets that itch and hurts someone  _ else _ ?

Several times, she almost tells Leia to turn around. But she knows that she’ll just be afraid if she goes back. 

The space will be good for her. Give her time to think with a clear head, undistracted by Ben. 

She knows that he needs an intervention of some kind--whether that’s prison or the help of a psychologist, someone to help him understand the violence he doesn’t know he’s committing. He needs help. But the thought of him being locked away somewhere, his every move monitored, people making him feel less than human, like he can’t be trusted...the thought galls her. 

They could still run away, she supposes. He did say he’d never hurt her, and she desperately wants to believe it.

But she knows he  _ could _ hurt her without meaning to, and even if he doesn’t, he could always hurt someone else. He could take someone’s spouse, someone’s parent. Someone’s child.

When they pull up to the house, Rey is seized with a new fear. 

“Does Uncle Han...know?”

“No,” Leia says. “He just knows that I went to visit you. I’ll explain to him later. Don’t worry about a thing.”

Han is visibly surprised to see Rey, but once he takes in her red eyes and tear-streaked face, his gaze softens. 

“Hey kid,” he says in his friendliest tone. 

She nods, unable and unwilling to speak. 

“Rey’s going to stay with us for a little bit,” Leia says briskly. “Rey, are you hungry?”

Rey shakes her head.

“Maybe you want to go upstairs and lie down?”

She nods, walking slowly up the stairs. At the top, she pauses, looking at either side of the hall.

To her left is the guest room.

To her right is Ben’s old room.

She heads for Ben’s old room.

It’s been pseudo-converted into a guest room; it’s still recognizable as Ben’s room, with the same furniture in the same places and even the same navy-blue comforter on the bed. The books on the bookshelf are all his, and some of his old pictures and trinkets are on the dresser and nightstand. But the walls are bare now, freed of their band posters, and there’s no clutter, no sign of anyone inhabiting the space. Rey peeks into some of the drawers and finds Ben’s old clothes, things he hasn’t worn in years. She runs her hands over them, missing him desperately.

She wanders into the bathroom, which is so sparse it’s unrecognizable. She turns on the hot water, stripping herself of her clothes and stepping into the hot spray. She sinks to the floor, wrapping her arms around her knees and letting tears she can’t restrain fall freely. 

She sits there for a long, long time. She feels exhausted when she finally steps out; she takes a t-shirt and boxers from Ben’s drawers and steps blindly into them before collapsing on his bed. 

One thought flashes across her mind before she falls asleep.

_ What the hell have I gotten myself into? _

.

Rey drifts in and out of consciousness that night. She keeps reaching for Ben before realizing that he isn’t there. She wakes fully around six in the morning and, though exhausted, cannot go back to sleep. Instead, she scrolls through her phone, responding to messages and checking notifications. 

Facebook shows her that one year ago today, she posted a picture of her and her family at the lake. They’re on the boat in this picture; Han is steering, Leia is hidden behind an enormous pair of sunglasses and an even more enormous hat, Ben has his feet up on the bench, and Luke has his arm around Rey, smiling into the camera.

Her eyes water at the memory of last summer--the last she’d ever spent with her father. If only she’d known then that it would be their last. She would’ve spent more time with him, would’ve hugged him more, would’ve told him how much she loved him. 

She wipes away the tears, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling. If her father were here now, what would he tell her? What would he think about this whole mess?

He probably wouldn’t be happy she’s not only having sex and in love with her cousin, but also having sex and in love with a murderer. He would probably try to take her away from Ben and call the police on her cousin. 

And maybe...that would be the right thing to do. 

She shakes her head. She feels right when she’s with Ben. Without him...who is she?

_ You are so much more than what a man tells you you are, _ she can hear her father saying.  _ You don’t need anyone to complete you. You are whole all by yourself. _

Then why, she wonders, did she feel so incomplete when her father died, and so full when she fell in love with Ben?

A hammering sound makes her bolt upright. Someone is pounding at the front door.

She opens the door, peering into the hallway. Han and Leia’s door opens a moment later, both of them in pajamas and clearly having just woken up.

“Stay here,” Han orders the two women, shuffling down the stairs.

“Han, be careful!” Leia says, leaning over the banister.

Rey somehow knows who it is even before Han opens the door.

“Ben!”

“I want to see Rey.” Ben looks like a madman, his eyes wide and wild as he looms in the doorway.

Han bars the way. “Son, take a step back.”

“Where is she? I want to see her.” Ben presses against Han, but his father won’t relent.

“You need to leave that girl alone for a bit, okay, Ben? You’re not doing her any favors by showing up like this.”

“ _ Where is she _ ?” Ben roars.

“Ben--”

And then Ben does something horrible.

He wraps his hand around his father’s throat and shoves him into the wall.

“Ben!” Rey shrieks, running down the stairs. Ben has a savage look on his face, one she doesn’t recognize, and were it not for fear of Han’s life, she wouldn’t grab hold of his arm the way she does. “Ben, let  _ go _ ! He’s your father!”

Ben glances at her, and the savage look fades. He turns to look back at his father, and with a start, releases his throat. Han pants, sinking to the ground. Leia is beside him in a moment, frantically asking if he’s okay.

Ben stumbles backwards, his eyes wide with shock. “What?” he murmurs.

Rey takes a cautious step towards him, her heart drumming loudly in her ears. “Ben?”

He sinks to the ground as well, his hands running  through his hair. “I don’t remember…”

She closes the distance between them, reaching for him. Ben smothers his face in her stomach, breathing hard. She strokes his hair, murmuring soothing noises.

Even now, she loves him terribly.

.

She sits with him while they wait for the police to arrive. Han and Leia are still keeping their distance, watching from another room. They’re afraid. Rey, oddly, is not.

Ben will have to go. They’ll have to get a lawyer for him, one who will encourage him to plead insanity. With any luck, Ben will get the help he needs.

“I didn’t know what I was doing,” he says weakly. “I don’t even know how I got here.”

“You took my car,” she tells him. “You blacked out again.”

He presses his forehead to hers, trembling. “I’m scared of myself.”

“It’s okay. You’re going to get help.”

He lets out a shaky breath. 

The flash of blue and red lights fills the front hall.

“I’ll always love you,” he whispers.

“Yeah,” Rey sighs. “I know.”


End file.
